Advice for a memoir writer
Dear Amy: I’ve very recently started writing about my life, sharing my story with my friends, family and people in my community.
I am an adult in my mid-20s, married and pregnant with my first. I’ve just published my first story, covering ages 6 to 11. I am receiving lots of positive feedback. However, my parents, and in particular my mother, are disturbed by me sharing “our” private life.
I mention my parents in my story, but my focus is on ME, not them.
My mom thinks I’m speaking very negatively of her. She has made it very clear to me that she is NOT OK with me sharing it, and that if I do, I should NOT share it with our family chat group, because she does NOT want to see it, and will NOT read it. She is very angry!
Should I not be sharing my life story? Am I infringing on my parents’ privacy? Leaving them out would render my story useless, no? Want to Connect
Dear Want: Let me quote the late, great Nora Ephron, whose advice I sought when I was writing my first memoir: “You get to tell your own story,” she said. “What you shouldn’t do is tell anyone else’s.” You own the story of your childhood. But, for instance, you should not write about your parents’ marriage. That story belongs to them.
I’ve now published two memoirs, and what I’ve learned is that everyone holds a different truth. And — I assure you — most people (including me) do NOT want someone else to write about them, and every memoirist faces family consequences about what they’ve written. What you should NOT do is insist that family members read it or discuss it with you.
Stop telling your mother how to feel or how to interpret what you’ve done. Accept that she is upset. Instead of sharing full text on your group chat, publish on a blogging platform (I use Tumblr), and share a link: “Here’s my latest installment. If you’re interested in reading, click here.”
Dear Amy: Well, I met a great gal. We seem really good together most of the time, but here’s the rub: She has a dog.
“Buster” is a nice dog but is not very well-trained.
The big problem occurs at bedtime. Buster wants to share our bed and is uncontrollably insistent about it, whining and disturbing us throughout the night until at some point my gal gives up, and then Buster is in bed with us and I must deal with it or go sleep elsewhere.
Apparently, Buster gets to sleep with her at home, so, hey, why not at my place? This ruins intimacy, and it is hard to sleep.
She apologizes but is doing nothing to train this dog to accept the floor/dog bed.
Am I out of line to want our bed to be dog-free? Doggone it!
Dear Doggone: You could provide some “alpha”-style leadership — or at the very least, be less peeved and passive — if you found a good dog trainer who could work with the three of you (you, she and ”Buster”).
Working with Buster together, as a couple, would put you on the same page, and provide you both with the same tools and techniques to communicate with and retrain the dog.
I agree that having an animal sleep in bed with you can be a major sleep and sex killer. Working this out “as a pack” will be good for your relationship.