Resisting an abusive mom

Dear Amy: My mother is a 60-year-old woman who does not want to be responsible. Her father was verbally abusive. She married my dad, and both of them were abusive toward each other and their children. They divorced 14 years ago.

Since then she has become an alcoholic and a smoker. She blames her problems on her parents and my father and feels like all of her kids should be taking care of her now (my grandmother helped to pay her bills before she died).

She’ll stop drinking brief ly and then resume. She verbally abuses her kids but still expects us to help her because she gave birth to us.

Mom recently inherited money and now she wants to drive around the country camping until she can’t anymore, when she will come back and stay with me.

Two of my siblings have blocked her from all contact. I block her while she is on her drinking binges because of all the verbal abuse, but I feel like someone should take care of her because that is what kids do for their parents when they age.

At what point do I call it quits for my own mental health or to shield my child from her?

Responsible, or Not?

Dear Responsible: Because you seem to have absorbed the message that children are obligated to take care of their parents, let’s examine the other half of that obligation: that of parents toward their children.

Your mother did not protect or nurture you. She abused you, and now she wants to use you.

Your mother is choosing not to deal with her alcoholism. She has the right to live her life. She does not have the right to force you to support her choices.

I highly recommend the book “The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation” by addiction specialist Melody Beattie (2009, Simon & Schuster). You will recognize yourself in its pages.

Also, your mother won’t seek help for her addiction, but you should. I urge you to attend Al-anon — or another “friends and family” addiction support group.

Dear Amy: I am recently divorced. My daughter is leaving for college.

What I find most difficult about all of this is the way married friends and even married siblings no longer try to socialize with me.

It’s as if because I’m not part of a couple, I no longer exist. I am incredulous that in 2019 this is still happening.

I find myself alone on all fronts, and I’m getting really irritated about being consistently excluded.

I am over the divorce. I’m going back to school. I am working and do not sit around bemoaning my single status.

Note to all: If we want space, we will tell you. We need our friends and family now more than when we were married.

Amy, is this common?

Frustrated with Friends

Dear Frustrated: Yes, this dynamic is common, if not universal. People who are widowed — or who have never partnered-up — also experience it.

You could mitigate some of this frustration by initiating contact with your coupled friends and family. Host a barbecue. Invite them on outings.

If you stay single for an appreciable length of time, you will see that your desire to spend time around couples will also shift.