Questioning a baby’s race

Dear Amy: The other day a woman I work with brought her 8-month-old grandson around the office. He was a charming, lovely boy, and she was obviously very proud to show him off.

But there’s one thing I’m struggling with. My coworker, who is white, had mentioned to me that her grandson’s mother is black.

Hey, I’m from the Caribbean and we’ve always had a much more relaxed attitude toward racial mixing. I’m biracial myself.

What I’m struggling with is that this child doesn’t look biracial at all. He is very dark skinned. Nobody back home would believe that this child has a white parent. But people in America don’t seem to be as savvy as we are about these things.

I don’t know this woman’s son and am definitely not in any position to suggest a paternity test. But I feel like saying nothing might not be right, either.

I’d hate for this young man to be stuck caring for a child that isn’t his.

Am I terrible for even thinking this? Worried Dear Worried: Um, yes — you’re pretty terrible. Thinking is one thing — nobody can police your thoughts. But yes, speculating on the race or DNA parentage of a baby you’ve met exactly once is at the very least terrible-adjacent. I hope you’ll keep your thoughts to yourself.

I know African Americans who are fair skinned and freckled. I have biracial family members who are dark skinned, while their siblings are fair.

Your Caribbean heritage or racial identity does not make you an arbiter of how other people identify.

This is absolutely none of your business.

Dear Amy: What are our obligations to friends on social media?

I have a friend from college (30-plus years ago). We were briefly roommates one summer and in a social circle together. I haven’t seen him since college. He’s halfway across the country now.

He’s a kind soul with mental health issues. There are consistent cries for help on social media, with friends (old and new) recommending social services, living arrangements, etc.

I’ve provided some financial support and a few ideas for social services, but I know that some of those services take time.

What’s realistic for what people can do from afar?

Although it’s not fair, I find myself somewhat resentful that people put everything out there. Empathetic from Afar

Dear Afar: Social media has made the sharing of personal information easy, and people use it to varying degrees to reach out. Please don’t blame your old friend for sending out an SOS. Sharing his vulnerability might be helpful to him.

What you don’t need to do is to weigh in with specific solutions. It was kind of you to send him money, but you — and your friends — cannot save him through your kind recommendations. You can, however, continue to let him know that you care about him and that you are thinking about him. Sometimes it is necessary to establish a boundary: “I’m sorry I can’t help you more, but I hope you always know that I care about you.”

Even kinder would be for you to reach out to him: “How are you doing? I’ve been thinking about you.” Share a relatable memory you two share. Let him know that he is not alone.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.