Final request is a burden
My childhood best friend, “Lynn,” died after a long battle with colon cancer. She asked me to spread her ashes in Ireland, off of cliffs we visited together. She asked me this the last time I saw her, and I was stunned but agreed. She died a couple of days later. That was nine years ago. Lynn never married or had children. We grew up together, attended college together, and she was my maid of honor.
Her ashes are safe in an urn in my home, but I feel so guilty that I did not carry out her final wishes. It’s not realistic for me to go to Ireland. I’m retired and can’t devote that kind of money to a trip.
My husband suggested that I hire someone in Ireland, and ship the ashes to them to spread. But I don’t know anyone there and would not feel comfortable leaving this to someone else.
What should I do? Holding
Dear Holding: There are professional “scattering” services, which you can hire to scatter a person’s ashes. An internet search will reveal some options for you to consider. The cost to do this in Europe seems to be about half the cost of a flight and a stay in Ireland.
In the U.S., roadscholar .org conducts tours to Ireland. You could contact this company; they might be able to connect you with a local guide in Ireland who would be willing to undertake this important task for you.
You could contact a church in the area where your friend wanted her ashes scattered to see if someone affiliated with it the church would be willing to do this, according to your instructions.
In the meantime, you could scatter portions of your friend’s ashes in closer locations that you know were meaningful to her, and where you could think of her when you visited, perhaps off the coast of Cape Cod, where Atlantic currents may carry them toward Ireland.
Putting some effort into solving this is better than being paralyzed and feeling guilty. Your effort will clarify your options and help you to make a choice.
Dear Amy: My 15-year-old niece and I are close. She recently revealed to me that her mother (my older sister) has been taking her money!
I confronted my sister, and she told me that because my niece is underage and lives in her house, any money she earns or brings into the house belongs to my sister. I was stunned!
My sister also told me that she expects her daughter to pay for gas if she is driven to the mall or local amusement park.
I feel that whatever money my niece has and makes is hers alone. I also feel asking for a ride to the mall or movies shouldn’t require giving her mother gas money (especially when her mother already takes her money)!
Am I overstepping my role as an aunt by saying something to my sister about how unfair and completely ridiculous this is? Upset
Dear Upset: I agree with you that, depending on the circumstances, a teen should be able to keep the money she receives or earns. In certain circumstances, children are expected to use their earnings to contribute to the household.
Yes, you should speak with your sister about this, but you cannot realistically expect her to change. You might choose to hold aside some savings to present to your niece once she leaves your sister’s household.