Unlocking a family secret
Dear Amy: My mother conceived both my brother and me using a sperm donor. This information was never kept from us, and my mother has spoken openly about it throughout our lives.
My stepdad adopted us, making us his legal children.
Recently, I was discussing taking an ancestry test and my mother revealed to me that her sister, my aunt “Grace” (and uncle) had trouble conceiving and that my older cousin, “Allie,” is also a sperm donor child.
My aunt and uncle, however, have not disclosed this information to Allie.
My uncle was the source of infertility and did not want her to know (he has some ego issues).
My mom asked me not to publicly post about my ancestry test, lest my cousin get curious and also want to take one, outing her parents.
I am deeply uncomfortable with this. What to do? Concerned Cousin
Dear Concerned: If your mother had truly wanted to keep this sperm-donor information secret, she wouldn’t have told you. But she did, and now she is (basically) setting this family secret at your feet and making you responsible for keeping it.
I’m going to assume that you are an adult. Of course, your mother can ask you not to post publicly about your DNA ancestry test journey, but your DNA is your business and you have the right to handle this disclosure the way you want to.
Your mother should tell her sister, “My kids are getting their DNA tested. Naturally, they are pretty excited about this and they will share this information with friends and family. Allie is going to learn the truth of her DNA at some point, but you should be the person to tell her. We are all here to support all of you if you need it.”
Dear Amy: Two of our neighbors have fire pits that they use, sitting outside to enjoy the ambiance in the evening.
Unfortunately, they tend to do this when it is already warm (it has been over 95 degrees in Redwood City, where we live).
In the evenings we open our windows to begin cooling down our home.
As soon as the air begins moving in our house, the smell of smoke starts to fill our home.
We also have another neighbor that uses charcoal for their barbecue. We get about 20 minutes of the smell of lighter fluid and smoke while it’s warming up.
The smoke makes us cough and leaves a bad odor in our home.
If they switched from wood to gas, that would take care of the problem but would be an expense for them.
Do you have any suggestions on how to approach these folks? Smoked-out in Redwood City, Calif.
Dear Smoked-out: According to information on your local fire department’s website, there is an ordinance against “open burning” in your area. You should contact the fire department to ask if fire pits qualify.
Your town (Redwood City) lies in close proximity to the massive area in California that burned last year during the historic Camp Fire, which killed 85 people, injured three firefighters and burned more than 10,000 structures.
You should ask these neighbors if they would consider switching to using gas. The safety risk to all of your homes should override the awkwardness of the ask.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.