Endangered by her in-laws

Dear Amy: I have an extremely severe food allergy.

I carry an EpiPen; I’ve been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this allergen.

My husband explained this to his parents when we started dating.

Since then, most meals we have shared at their house have had limited options for me. They manage to find a way to add the ingredient I’m allergic to, to almost everything.

When I was pregnant, my husband told them we would not take part in any family meals if they didn’t keep the meals allergy-free.

His dad said, “We can’t promise that. Everyone except your wife likes that food, and we’re not changing what we eat for one person.”

My sister-in-law then berated me about this over the phone.

This has caused a huge wedge between my husband’s family and us.

We no longer spend holidays with them and rarely speak.

They don’t get to see their grandkids. His sister stopped talking to us. He has a brother who still reaches out and is kind to us, but he acts as though his parents are just set in their ways and we should forgive them and move on.

Short of taking them a doctor’s note, telling them my allergy is real, I’m not sure what to do.

My husband supports me 100% and he is angry and hurt by their actions, but at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift.

Dear Disrespected: Given the way these people behave, I doubt a doctor’s note would have any effect on them. They are either willfully and woefully ignorant of the life-threatening aspects of your serious food allergy, or they are simply mean and willing to endanger you.

You are not the cause of this rift. They are.

Yes, they are not likely to change, so I suppose you could make the effort to forgive them and move on. But in moving on, you will not be moving toward them, because it is dangerous for you to do so. (If only there were an EpiPen for toxic in-laws!)

If your in-laws wanted to have contact with you, your husband, and their grandchildren, it would be easy for them to do so — at your house, at a neutral location, or at any of the myriad occasions in a family’s life (sporting events, outings, concerts) not involving food.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been in a 33-year (same-sex) relationship. We got married six years ago.

I no longer like my spouse. He has turned into a toxic, negative old man.

I have suggested counseling, but he dismisses the suggestion.

I am no longer happy, but because of our history together (and advanced age) I don’t really see leaving as a viable option. Love Him, Don’t Like Him

Dear Love Him: Marriage is hard. Getting old is no picnic.

Generally speaking, I think that you should not consign your own happiness over to someone else. If there are ways for you to preserve (or restore) your own happiness and sense of joy and also stay in this marriage, then you should do that.

I think you should seriously consider leaving the relationship.

Then, if you stay, you will have made an actual choice and not merely a response to your own inertia.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.