Stand up to bully behavior

Dear Amy: One of my dearest friends, “Susan,” is married to a man many of the people in our group don’t enjoy. I tolerate him, because I love her.

“Bernie” talks at us instead of to us, monologues, and interrupts a lot.

My friend has told me privately that he’s verbally abusive to her, but she loves him, so she lets it slide. I’ve managed my relationship with him by being playful and joking with him, which he has seemed to enjoy.

Bernie recently “went off ” on me. He became enraged and verbally abusive when I asked him mildly to please let me finish my story before interrupting. I felt blindsided by his ugliness, ranting and yelling.

I was shaking when I told Susan about this. She said, “Oh, that’s just him, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Later, I told her that I was worried it was going to be weird to be around him, and she said, “Oh, don’t worry, he’s completely over it.”

Unfortunately, I am NOT over it. I don’t ever want to be around him because I feel angry, disrespected, threatened and afraid that unless I treat him with kid gloves, he might go bonkers again.

I don’t want to say this to her because she has normalized his behavior. That’s her choice but it’s certainly not mine. Any suggestions?

Furious Friend

Dear Furious: One suggestion is for you to find a way to stand up to this bully the next time he goes bonkers. You should do so in a way where you are true to your own values and behavior — working hard to not let him rattle you, responding: “Hey, I’m not OK with you yelling at me. Please stop it.” Practice this or a similar response. Do not focus on being clever or joking around.

You could avoid him, but then he would be controlling your movements and social choices. Obviously, you won’t be inviting him to your home, but I hope you will not let his presence elsewhere keep you away.

His wife is his enabler and clean-up crew. To stay with him, she must discount and normalize his behavior and the effect it has on her, and others. You could say, “Look, I’m not judging you. But I don’t like being yelled at, and I don’t intend to tolerate it.”

Dear Amy: I’ve been corresponding with a woman I saw speak at a public forum several months ago. Our interactions have been positive, and I enjoy her insights

on current events (though she’s often busy, and I worry I’m taking up too much of her time).

I’m also planning to ask her out. We live in the same metro area. She’s away for several months, but when she gets back I’d like to ask her to lunch.

Is it wrong of me to have two motives for interacting with her? If not, is there a way to ask her out that won’t seem awkward?

Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: It is not at all wrong to have mixed motives for trying to meet someone in person, as long as you understand and anticipate that the person you are hoping to meet might not share all — or any — of your motivations.

It is vital that you behave in a way that respects whatever boundaries she wishes to erect. If she doesn’t want to meet in person, don’t press her. If you do meet, use the meeting as a laid-back opportunity to continue your conversation.

You likely do not know all that much about her personally, and she may wish to keep it that way.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.