DNA test stirs up secrets

My wife (who is 64) recently discovered a cousin, “Meg” (also in her 60s), through DNA testing.

They have not met in person but communicate via social media and email and have become close friends.

My wife’s uncle, at the time of his affair with Meg’s mom, was married with four young kids. He recently died.

My wife’s aunt is in her late 80s and has dementia. She has no idea that her late husband fathered a child 60 years ago.

My wife is close to her four cousins, who are not aware they have a half-sister.

I believe my wife should let them know about Meg. I would want to know if I had a half-sibling.

My wife feels just the opposite and will not tell them.

Who is right? Curious About Cousins

Dear Curious: I believe you’re right.

However, importantly, you and I don’t share DNA with your wife or her cousin, so we have the right to our opinions but nothing more.

DNA testing has exploded in popularity, and questions about the unforeseen personal and relational complications arising from it have flooded my inbox.

We are in fairly uncharted territory. But people deserve to know the truth about themselves.

I have long advocated against “family secrets,” mainly because people who keep secrets are deciding for themselves who deserves the truth. People who keep secrets are often well-meaning, as I assume your wife is. But I believe most people can handle the truth, even if it is surprising or painful.

In this case, your wife has met a person who is so wonderful that they have become close friends. Yet your wife is denying her cousins the opportunity to know her.

Your wife may be waiting for her aunt to die before disclosing this news to her cousins. The same DNA testing that brought her and Meg together could lead Meg to her half-siblings. Your wife should consider how her cousins will feel if they learn she has had a secret relationship with their sister.

Dear Amy: My wife’s sister is getting married in five months.

Both my sister-in-law and her fiancé come from cultures that are not accepting of homosexuality.

I’ve only spent a few weeks around my sister-inlaw’s fiancé, but I started getting an impression that he might be attracted much more to men than to women.

He seems not overly physically affectionate, and sometimes downright aversive, to his fiancée yet I’ve seen him be quite physically affectionate to male friends.

I like and respect him, and he seems to mostly treat my sister-in-law well.

I’ve talked with my wife about this, and both of us are utterly unsure if we should do anything, and if so, what. Utterly Unsure

Dear Unsure: Congratulations! You’re about to have a new in-law. And congratulations! You don’t need to have an opinion, or do anything, about his sexuality.

He might be straight but acculturated to maintaining a physical distance from women. He might be gay and closeted for cultural (or other) reasons.

Your sister-in-law might be straight or gay and marrying for love or for cultural or financial reasons.

Unless your in-laws solicit your opinion on their marriage, you can — and should — accept this couple at face value.