In his 60s, he wants a kid

My husband of almost 40 years would like to (somehow) father a child.

During our first year of marriage, I had a hysterectomy, so early on we realized I couldn’t give birth to a child.

At various points in our marriage (mainly in our younger years), we talked about surrogacy, but he always dropped the matter.

Now that we are in our 60s, he is still perplexed and ambivalent, but I feel we are too old to start looking into options again.

I would like to put to rest our dilemma, but almost feel it could be futile to try, because it’s unresolvable.

I need some feedback to help put my mind at peace when he continues with his heartfelt frustration. Mrs. Perplexed

Dear Mrs.: Your husband (and you) might be genuinely perplexed by the persistence of his impulse over 40 years to father a child. Many women wrestle with this desire, but their biology makes giving birth to a child less possible as time passes, so they have to reckon with physiological limitations.

Your husband could in fact father a child, and you two should discuss this seriously. Would he be interested in being a sperm donor, and would you consider some sort of shared parenting arrangement? If your answer is a firm “no,” say so. But talk about it.

His thoughts regarding fathering a child might be increasing in power and frequency as he ages and faces the reality of his mortality.

Having a child might be unlikely but you should still discuss it. Does he feel cheated? Does he resent you for something you didn’t ask for and cannot control (your hysterectomy)? And do you resent him for periodically reminding you of it?

A marriage counselor could guide you through this challenging conversation.

I recommend the book “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most” (2010, Penguin Books). The authors are all members of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Dear Amy: I am a mental health professional. People in my social circle are aware of what I do for a living.

Too often when I’m at a social gathering, someone pulls me aside to talk about a personal issue. That person is hijacking my social time.

I’m sure this happens with other professions, but whereas a lawyer or doctor can say, “Why don’t you come see me at the office,” mental health practitioners’ friends or acquaintances cannot be our clients.

What’s a polite and clear way to set a boundary and explain that this is my social time, and I don’t want to be burdened with someone’s issue? Burdened Counselor

Dear Burdened: Presumably, you entered this profession to help people. Remember that as you wrestle with this. People trust you.

One way to help those who approach you outside the office is to respond with compassion and offer a resource in lieu of an extended conversation. Then you should establish a boundary. For instance:

SHE: I’m so worried about Chad. I think he’s depressed.

YOU: I’m sorry to hear that. I can’t help with this, but I can give you or him a referral. Here’s my card.

SHE: But what can I do if he won’t get help?

YOU: Let’s not talk about this right now, but call or email me on Monday and I’ll give you a referral. Will you do that?

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.