Abuse survivor moves on

Dear Amy: I come from a family of four kids.

Mother was bipolar and kept the four of us at each other’s throats through manipulation. It took me years to repair my relationships with my two brothers, and our sister passed, refusing any attempts at reconciliation with her siblings.

Mother died several years ago, and my two brothers and I had fairly good communication.

Then when our father died, the eldest brother, who was physically abusive to us when we were younger and very much verbally abusive as adults, emotionally attacked me and refused to allow the younger brother to attend the funeral.

Now, my younger brother has also alienated me.

Since Father’s death, Big Brother continues to invite me to his family events, and my family wants me to put his past meanness aside and spend time in his home.

I am now in my 60s and do not wish to be demeaned by him.

He is basically saying that I just need to get over it, but I AM over it, and I do not wish to be exposed to his mean-spirited attacks any longer.

I would rather my immediate family visit him (if they wish), without me.

I am much happier with my immediate family and without the old family ties, so how can I make this nagging issue go away? Contented

Dear Contented: Congratulations on being officially Over It.

You say you are contented now, and so the last thing I would want to do would be to try to “cure” your contentment.

Your narrative illustrates the heartbreaking generational fracturing caused by extreme dysfunction.

Yes, you should carry on, determined to be better and to do better than the generation that raised you. And yes, you should certainly encourage any family member to reach out toward your older brother on their own accord.

Things might go well for them, and, if so, great! Or they might fly a little too close to the family flame and also get burned.

You can’t make this nagging issue go away. But you can cope with it, safe in the knowledge that you are taking good care of yourself.

Dear Amy: I attended my nephew’s wedding, which was also an occasion to get together with members of his father’s family.

One of his aunts is extremely “touch/feely.” She seems incapable of reading subtle cues. She doesn’t recognize personal boundaries. She gives uncomfortably lengthy hugs and kisses male family members on the mouth.

Often she will stand behind me (and others) and massage necks and rub backs.

I have tried moving away or withdrawing, but it persists.

I should mention that as a survivor of sexual assault I also feel triggered by unwanted touch.

How can I address this problem without offending or creating a rift? Auntie Hands Off

Dear Hands Off: Because this woman doesn’t read physical cues or body language, give her the courtesy of verbally letting her know that you don’t want to be touched in that way.

You say, “Oh, Belle, so nice to see you. But please don’t massage my neck and shoulders. Come sit next to me and tell me how you are.”

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.