Headstone is too crowded
My 94-year-old mother died in January.
She was specific about her grave marker because she was sensitive about her age. She said she didn’t want any dates listed, only her name, and just her name.
Since then my siblings have added her death date (because it doesn’t give her age) as well as “beloved wife/ mother/grandmother/greatgrandmother.”
She loved her kids and her grandchildren but never knew the others and really didn’t care much about them.
Now they want to add my father’s name! (They never had a good marriage) and potentially the names of our parents’ direct children, including me.
I know my mother is laughing about this, but I wanted to step up and tell them what she said she wanted.
How do I handle this?
Dear Wondering: One important function of gravestones is for historical purposes. The cemetery where your mother is buried will have specific regulations regarding size and type of stone. You’ll have to follow them.
Yes, I agree that marking the year of death could end up being important for future reference.
When a marker says, “Beloved mother, grandmother, great-grandmother” it is saying the deceased was beloved by her descendants, not the other way around. Noting who your mother knew and/or liked among her many descendants is not what a grave marker is for.
The names of children, grandchildren, pets, etc., are generally not put on grave markers.
Yes, continue to advocate for your mother’s wishes with your siblings. And yes, do picture her looking on with amusement.
Dear Amy: My niece (my older brother’s daughter) is getting married in a few months. They are having a destination wedding.
I was surprised not to get an invitation.
My other brother and his family did receive an invitation.
When I asked my sisterin-law about this, she said that she told the bride not to bother with an invitation because I probably couldn’t attend, and only people they thought could attend would get invitations.
I have since been invited to a pre-wedding wine and cheese reception in our hometown for everyone that can’t make the wedding. I’ve also been invited to a bridal shower.
I am not attending either, as I am hurt.
Am I wrong?
Dear Aunt: You are neither wrong nor right. You are responding proportionally to the hurt you feel in being excluded from a family wedding.
Your sister-in-law’s explanation does not make sense.
Some people seem to actually feel affronted when they are invited to a destination wedding, which would require a substantial financial commitment to attend.
But being invited does not require attendance. And hosts should not pre-emptively strike guests off of a list based on their perception about the guest’s ability to attend.
The only consideration should be whether you want the invitee to be included, and this bride, clearly, only wants to include you when it’s close to home.