Daughter fears her father

Dear Amy: When my daughter was 3, I divorced her father — in part due to his violent temper.

Now at 13 years old, she, too, is afraid of her father’s temper, particularly when he is drinking alcohol.

She just revealed to me that on several occasions during her visitation with him she has asked a friend’s parents to pick her up and sleep over at their house out of fear of her father.

Apparently, when drinking he has violent arguments with his girlfriend over the phone, and this scares her.

I have instructed her that she is to contact me immediately to remove her from the situation. She is afraid that contacting me will only escalate the situation and he will turn his fury toward her.

Her therapist has recommended Alateen, as well as voicing her concerns to her father when he is sober, but she is petrified to have any conversation relating to his temper or drinking.

Short of discontinuing visitation (which she still desires), I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned: Your daughter is to be commended. She has found a smart strategy for getting out of the household when she is afraid.

You should communicate with her friend’s parents to thank them and to gain some insight into these rescue missions.

Your daughter should contact you, but if she is too afraid to do so while she is in the house, she should do so after she has left.

Look at the words you used to describe her emotions: “Scared, afraid, petrified.” I’m concerned about a therapist who would place the responsibility for navigating this challenge onto the child’s shoulders. I don’t believe the burden should be placed on her to communicate with him about how terrifying he is.

Your daughter should attend Alateen meetings (alanon.org). Connecting with others who love alcohol-addicted parents would be extremely helpful. And you should talk to her about the possibility of going back to court to revisit the visitation arrangement. Court-mandated sobriety (if possible) while he has visitation might be a wake-up call for him.

Dear Amy: My mother is in her 70s, and my older brother and I are in our 50s. She now finds herself unable to drive, and has surrendered her driver’s license and vehicle. She has given the car to my brother, and has paid for repairs.

My brother and I are in similar, comfortable financial situations. He could definitely use the vehicle more than I. I feel that this was the right decision.

My mother has always treated both of us equally. Am I wrong to feel hurt that a financial gesture was not offered to me? Money is not an issue for her.

I’m an adult and I know that life isn’t always fair, but I have to admit to feeling hurt. I am also far more involved in helping my mother. Second-Place Child Dear Second Place Child: You are not a second-place child, and so stop reacting like one. You are an adult with no need of your mother’s cast-off car. Nor do you need her money.

I well understand the lifelong dynamic that exists between siblings, but if you make a conscious choice to rise above your childlike reaction to this, you will feel good. You’ll feel large. You’ll feel like a grown-up.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.