Blame it on birth order
Dear Amy: My family tries to be close but when it comes to me (the youngest) and my oldest sister (eight years older) — we just don’t click.
Despite being born to the same people and raised in the same household, we have very different views, opinions and beliefs.
I don’t recall having a good relationship as children; she was always yelling or angry at me.
I was always closer to our brother (middle child), who played with me and let me tag along with him and his friends.
As adults, this feels unchanged and strained; she’s made it clear she doesn’t approve of my career, schooling, spiritual beliefs, and she was openly skeptical about my marriage because my husband is older than I.
She always talks down to me, and once stated out loud that she can’t respect me as an adult. That hurt more than she’ll ever know.
She seems to believe that I don’t want to be her sister, when I just don’t want to be around someone who makes me walk on eggshells. My parents wish we’d get along but I can’t force myself to pretend anymore.
Should I keep trying? I just don’t see the point. Youngest of Three
Dear Youngest: One of the most challenging aspects of the sibling relationship is the struggle to cope with a less-than-ideal dynamic. We have this idea that siblings should be best friends, but it often doesn’t work out that way.
You and your sister were NOT raised in the same household with the same parents. By the time you came along, your parents were eight years older and had two other kids.
It’s also likely that your sister helped to raise you. She just didn’t get the memo that it’s time to stop.
Some of the behavior you describe is stereotypical “oldest child” stuff. She can’t respect you as an adult because in her mind you’ll always be the baby. Passing judgment on you is the purview of the bossy eldest.
Insight into the dynamic created by birth order won’t help you to get along better with your sister — but it may help you to see some of her behavior in a new way, which should help you to cope.
Read “The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are” by Kevin Leman. It’s a great look into the fascinating topic of birth order.
Dear Amy: Is it appropriate for my wife to look up exboyfriends on Facebook? And am I wrong to ask her to stop?
When I asked her to stop doing this, she said, “I will not stop. I would not cheat.”
I find it disrespectful that she does this. I also think her response is disrespectful.
Am I being too morally rigid? Am I just acting jealous? Or do I need to find someone else who is on the same page as me? Social Media Trouble
Dear Trouble: Facebook seems tailor-made for looking up exes. Doesn’t everyone do this?
Context is important. Is your wife doing some benign lurking and gloating? Or is she connecting and communicating with her exes?
I agree that “I will not stop. I would not cheat” is not a great response. Her choice to bring up cheating is pretty incendiary. Then again, so is your knee-jerk response to maybe find another partner.
You are obviously at a relationship impasse. I suspect that this social media dustup is more a symptom than a cause. I hope you can work things out.