Bored dad trades younger
Dear Amy: My father just turned 70. He and my mom divorced when he turned 50, because he was having an affair with a younger woman, “Cherie.” My siblings and I eventually accepted Cherie and grew quite fond of her.
About 18 months ago, my dad started to complain about how Cherie was too dependent on him. He quite suddenly decided to move out and dissolved this relationship after almost 20 years together.
Within a week, my dad mentioned a new “friend” he’d been spending time with. They met when she sent him a random friend request on social media. She was married. Within a couple of months, he mentioned that she had left her husband and that they were seeing each other.
She is about 20 years younger than he ( just two or three years older than my oldest sibling). He has paid for and taken her on trips, had her car repaired, and spends time hanging out at her job to keep her company. For his recent birthday, she didn’t get him anything. He dismissed it.
My siblings and I have never met this woman but have mentioned to our dad that it seems like a one-sided relationship. We’re worried that she’s taking advantage of him. He is bored in his retirement and insists taking care of her gives him something to do.
Last week he canceled plans with us at the last minute because she was having a “crisis” and needed his help. He says he’d like to invite her to family events. We do not want to bring this woman into our family. Should we try to accept this woman, for better or worse? Suspicious Daughter
Dear Suspicious: You worry that this woman is taking advantage of your father, and yet here he is, dating someone the same age as his kids, who left her marriage (presumably) to be with him.
My point is that the advantage-taking goes both ways.
Your father doesn’t like to be alone. He wants to be with a woman. This seems like a core value for him. Furthermore, his pattern is to “take care” of a woman, and then to see this as a burden.
You portray him as a fairly shallow, bored (and possibly boring) man. But this is his life. You are not required to see his current partner as a family member, but you would be wise to get to know her.
Dear Amy: My daughter has my husband’s extremely pale, Nordic appearance. In high school she had some darker-skinned friends of other races. Sometimes they would poke gentle fun at her for her whiteness, such as telling her she looked like a ghost in her bathing suit.
Although they didn’t mean any harm (and she understood this), sometimes it bothered her. However, she felt like because she was white and they were darker, she had to take it with grace.
It isn’t OK/PC to poke even good-natured fun at darker-skinned people these days, even if they are close friends, but doesn’t that work both ways?
How should she respond if this happens again? Bothered in CO
Dear Bothered: Does this light-hearted and good-natured banter from friends really bother your daughter? Have you encouraged her to not let it bother her?
She could be honest with her friends: “I don’t make fun of your skin tone, and I wish you wouldn’t make fun of mine.”