Time to come out again?

Dear Amy: I am a woman questioning my sexuality. I have been married to a man for over 20 years and we have children together. (I have not told my husband about my struggles, as he is homophobic.)

This has been a difficult and confusing time for me, and I have been in therapy throughout.

I am in love with a friend — a woman.

We are close but have known each other for only about a year. We are both going through divorces. (She recently found out that her husband is trans, and gay.)

We see each other nearly every day. I have never felt closer to another woman.

I recently came out to her but through choking words and sobbing. I’m not sure she understood what I was saying. I did not exactly say, “I am gay.” She never brought it up after that, but for me, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Should I tell her my true feelings? Confused

Dear Confused: Coming out is a process, and you’re in the midst of it. You will continue to express your truth to various people in various ways over this transitional period.

Yes, I think you should continue to talk about this with your friend, even if it is awkward for you to bring it up. One way to do so would be for you to discuss with her some of the conversations you’re having in therapy. She may not have grasped that you are gay — and you can laugh about that missed communication later.

Yes, you should come out again to her. I do not think you should tell her that you are in love with her, however. Regardless of whether she is also into you, you should walk around in your own identity for a while and gain confidence and emotional stability before making any declarations.

Dear Amy: I am a married 50-year-old woman with a lovely family. My parents live just down the road. They think I should make more effort to visit, but here lies the problem.

I lived with my parents briefly in my early 30s while going to school and changing careers. I stayed in a suite in the basement. The rule was to never come upstairs unless I call first, and yet my mother was controlling and verbally abusive — coming into my area at all times — so I left after about four months.

I moved out of the city, got married, had a child and then moved back to where they live. In the few years I was gone, my brother’s marriage ended. He had no children and moved into the basement suite at my parents’ house. That was 16 years ago. He is now 55.

He does not work. He does not contribute. Mother cooks for him, cleans for him and lends him money. He takes his meals back down to the basement.

I am baffled at the way they treat him compared to my experience there. I can’t bring myself to even visit their home, it makes me sick to see.

Am I right to just stay away? They complain about him being there but do nothing to push him out the door. Baffled

Dear Baff led: Your mother was controlling you, and now she is controlling your brother. Her extreme enabling is a form of control. It has rendered him useless.

I understand why you don’t enjoy spending time embroiled in this toxic system, and I think you should explain why.