2 ways to clean up a mess

Dear Amy: My partner and I are house and dog sitting for my parents. We asked our friend to watch our own house while we are gone.

We managed to clean the house up, except for the kitchen. We ran out of time and left clean dishes in the dishwasher and some dirty dishes in the sink.

Our trash can also was full, so there were two bags of non-food trash by the back door.

We’ve come to realize we are the jerks in this situation. We know we should have left a clean house.

Our friend is livid. She went off on my partner via text. I followed up with her with an apology and an offer to pay her for her time.

I said I was aware that paying her wasn’t going to fix the problem, and the offer of payment was to be in addition to the conversation she requested when we return.

I think being this angry about dirty dishes after a week might be overreacting, but I can’t be sure because I’m feeling so defensive.

I don’t know what this conversation is going to look like. If she intends to chew us out, I might dissociate and look like I don’t care.

How do I ask her to keep her temper down? Dirty House Owner

Dear Owner: I’m not sure why you are waiting for this face-to-face showdown, rather than continuing to communicate in order to try to repair things now.

I take it that your friend has unloaded via text, but an actual phone (or Skype) call is less passive (read: chicken), and you and your partner would be able to both talk and listen.

Tell her, “We appreciate what you are doing and we feel terrible about the condition of the house. Everything got away from us at the last minute and we’re so sorry. How are things going now?”

If you already offered to pay her, follow through. A gift box of goodies sent to her attention and delivered to the house might go the rest of the way to respond to her disappointment.

After this effort, you should assume that you have cleaned up your mess from a distance. She will either accept this, forgive you and move on — or she won’t. She doesn’t get to hold you hostage over this mistake.

“Dissociating” during a conversation should not be an option for you. That’s what toddlers do. Take this out of your playbook.

Dear Amy: You seem to think we should all just get along. But how can one talk to people who are OK with ripping nursing babies away from their mothers?

It is not possible to have a rational conversation with people who support a racist, mentally unstable, meanspirited administration.

As a retired fireman, I worked for 25 years with people who were mostly conservative. I’ve kept in touch with some for 20 years.

They are immune to reason and even to truth. I have pointed out how they are being lied to and sent them irrefutable evidence. Not one has changed their minds. Frustrated Fireman Dear Frustrated: I commend you for trying.

In order to support an administration they want to believe in, some otherwise decent people accept — or allow you to think they do — all of the behavior and beliefs of those they voted for.

I do believe in the power of friendship and community to inspire and effect change. I don’t think it is your responsibility to insist that people change their minds for you, even if you are right and they are wrong.