How best to help a friend
Dear Amy: My friend is an alcoholic and seems to be addicted to an abusive relationship.
When she is with the man, he verbally and physically abuses her, and she calls friends and parents for help, apparently truly frightened for her life.
He has threatened her family too. He is a scary guy.
If someone steps up to rescue her, she plays with getting sober, may or may not find work, etc. Then the guy calls her, threatens to have her arrested on ridiculous charges, and “forces” her to return to him.
Do we continue to “rescue”? Do we leave her with him, knowing she could end up dead? Longtime, Worried Friend
Dear Worried Friend:
You cannot physically remove your friend from this abusive relationship, and so your task is to love her as much and as well as you can — patiently and without judgment.
Enabling can sometimes feel like rescue, and you should learn the difference. But yes, when she reaches out for “rescue,” you should do your best to respond.
Tell her you are worried about her. Tell her you are there for her. Tell her this doesn’t change the way you feel about her. Ask her if she is ready to get professional help, and then have the address and number for the Domestic Violence Hotline on hand: thehotline.org (or call 800-799-7233).
Dear Amy: My daughter is 32. She and my son-in-law tied the knot recently after six years together.
He was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer last year. He is doing well with his treatments and is progressing better than expected.
I am sure my daughter being present and supportive is a huge part of his medical success. She didn’t work before he was diagnosed — and still doesn’t.
People often ask me what she “does.” Does she work outside the home? No. She works in her home; she’s a housewife. She takes care of the house, her husband, their animals, etc.
I find myself being dumbfounded by the responses I get when I tell people that.
Where is it written that a woman has to work outside the home to be valuable?
I am becoming defensive. What’s wrong with being a housewife or a stay-at-home mom? Stumped in Alabama
Many moons ago (pre-child), I interrupted my career for a period where I spent my time taking care of myself, husband, hearth and home.
When asked what I did for a living, I would respond that I was a “housewife,” which seemed to annoy people.
I think the term “housewife” is loaded for some people because it describes someone who is defining herself through an inanimate object (house) and another person (wife). But I liked the term, partly because I liked the life. When my “housewife” descriptor bugged people, I would correct it and say, “Sorry, I mean ‘domestic engineer.’ ”
It is NOT written anywhere that a person must define their value only outside the home.
You cannot change the way people react to the way you describe your daughter’s life.
The point is that no one who likes her honest, productive and fulfilling life should feel the need to apologize for it.
Nor should you.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.