In-law is invited to shut up

Dear Amy: My 77-year-old father-in-law is eccentric.

He’s a former librarian, so he’s always been chatty about odd topics. He has quirky hobbies and can be a bit argumentative when the topic of conversation turns to certain subjects. I find him endearing, but my own family does not.

My parents and my older brother hate to be near him. They find him irritating and occasionally rude.

My brother is hosting the holidays this year, and to my surprise, extended an invite to my father-in-law to join us. He asked me to invite him and also told me to ask him to “be seen, and not heard” (in so many words).

He said that he didn’t want to get dragged into “philosophical arguments about nothing” and didn’t want him being “weird.”

I haven’t extended the invite to my father-in-law yet. I just don’t know how to say “don’t be weird” and “keep your mouth shut.”

What do you think? Concerned

Dear Concerned: I think your brother is a bit of a jerk — or at least he is acting like one.

No, I don’t think you should ask your father-inlaw to keep his mouth shut for your family to be able to tolerate him for a few hours.

If your partner is on the scene, they may be able to gently and respectfully inf luence their father to modulate his behavior when he is around your family.

I think you should say to your brother, “I don’t want to tell my father-in-law to keep his mouth shut and stop being weird, so — if you don’t want to invite him, you should tell me now.”

Dear Amy: My younger sister passed away last year, and it hit both my mother and me by surprise.

I have accepted the loss, even though she lied to both of us multiple times, was hanging out with disturbing people, and was not taking care of herself.

My mother, on the other hand, is still having the hardest time getting over her.

I am sure it is a different feeling losing a sibling as compared to a mother losing a daughter, but I was wondering if there is any way I can console my mother into moving on. Troubled

Dear Troubled: People seem to respond to loss across a wide spectrum, and each person grieves in their own way.

Surely, no loss is as great as the one experienced by a parent losing a child. The very structure of this loss seems to upend the natural order.

I’m not sure you can console your mother into “moving on.” Learning (after her death) about the challenges and mistakes your sister made might plunge your mother into rethinking or regretting some of her own choices as a parent. Every competent and caring parent takes on the responsibility of caring for and protecting their child. Your mother might be wrestling with a sense of deep failure, layered on top of her grief.

Let her talk. Project an attitude of openness, even if you are frustrated.

Introduce her to a circle of her peers who have experienced similar loss. The organization Compassionate Friends offers just this sort of support. Check their website: compassionatefriends.org, read through their online material, and find a local meeting for your mother. If you contact the organization directly, they will provide a packet of materials to send to you.