Waiting for ‘I love you’
I have been dating a man for two years. We are both in our early 40s, and between us we have four kids. His are teens, mine are younger.
Our kids have met and like each other, and we’ve been included in each other’s extended-family events. We want a future together. He is everything I hoped for when I decided I was ready to start dating after my marriage fell apart.
A year into our relationship, I told him I loved him. For me this felt like a conservative amount of time. I wanted to be sure how I felt.
He apologized and said he couldn’t reciprocate the feeling yet, but he felt maybe that was because of his own issues and the turmoil from when his marriage ended. I said I understood (which I do). I told him I could wait, and that I would rather hear the words later, as long as they were sincere.
It is now a year later, and he still isn’t able to say he loves me. I’ve stopped saying it to him because it hurts not to have it reciprocated.
I feel sometimes like he is with me because I’m a good “option,” and I am beginning to wonder if he will ever love me.
I know people have married for less and have grown to love their partners, but is it wrong for me to want a true love story? Should I settle for good enough?
Dear Wondering: Being in a committed relationship with a man who doesn’t love you is NOT “good enough” for you. I know this because you are now feeling notquite-loved, and you are holding back your own honest emotions because they don’t match his.
Yes, people have married for reasons other than a love attachment. And yes, these marriages might succeed at roughly the same rate as love-based marriages do.
But ask yourself if you want your young children to be in a family with a man who almost loves their mother. Also ask how you would react if one of your kids said they were making a similar emotional compromise.
Two years is a long time. If he doesn’t love you by now, it’s hard to imagine what circumstances might arise for him to love you later.
Watch “Jerry Maguire,” which is about a couple with a similar dynamic; understand you are not likely to have a similar happy ending.
Dear Amy: I come from a loud, large family of seven — mostly boys. I am the youngest, and growing up I was the easiest target for their teasing and roughhousing.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve realized that being ridiculed so much that I cry is not a normal thing that should happen between siblings.
My parents say it’s all in good fun. My siblings don’t respect it when I ask them to take it easy on me either.
How do I politely tell my family that they are causing me problems, and therefore I do not want to come to family events? Or do I shut my mouth and go, letting them treat me poorly?
Dear Worried: You should not shut your mouth and let your family members bully you. You should not willingly place yourself in any environment where you are going to be belittled and abused. And you should not worry about being polite.
I hope you are seeing a therapist. Severe bullying in families has a direct impact on mental health. It might be best for you to stay away while you work through the issues brought on by this unhealthy dynamic.