It’s legal but not welcome
As my home state prepares to legalize recreational marijuana, I feel a lot of us are unsure of what to expect in certain social or familial situations.
As a middle-aged adult who saw both harmless pot smoking in college and truly frightening problems with it and other substances, I am not a big proponent of using drugs for recreation.
We have an out-of-state close relative who is a daily marijuana user. From what we see on social media, he uses from the moment he wakes up to right before falling asleep — every day.
In his mid-20s, he is unemployed, lives at home and relies on his parents to purchase his (legal) drugs.
When he visits relatives in states where recreational use is not legal, he insists on bringing and being allowed to use drugs in our homes, or he threatens violence.
His parents do nothing to stop this behavior and appear detached while enabling his use of drugs.
We don’t want to tell his family they are not welcome on major holidays, nor do we want to further exclude an adult child who appears to have mental health issues on top of problems with drugs. Nor do we want our young children exposed to constant drug use during a multiple-day visit.
What is a good (and healthy) way to approach this and other holidays where this is an issue? Worried Relative
Dear Worried: Many people don’t allow smoking of any kind inside their house, so that is one boundary you can easily establish.
If marijuana is still illegal in your state, then you should not allow it in your home or on your property.
Your younger relative is a daily user; his threat of violence if he can’t use is an indication of his substance use disorder/addiction (and/or other mental health issues).
You should convey to these family members: “Marijuana use is illegal in our state. We don’t allow drug use or any smoking in our home. We are looking forward to seeing all of you, and we are giving you a heads up about what our boundaries are. Please respond and let us know that you understand.”
Aside from the smoking issue, do not overly police this family member, or try to discern if he is high. If he threatens violence or is otherwise disruptive, you will have to ask him to leave your home; and, yes, his parents will have to face yet another consequence of their co-dependency.
I hope you can urge his parents in the strongest possible terms to get help (for themselves). Nar-anon Family Group meetings or online support could be a supportive and nonjudgmental eye-opener for them.
Dear Amy: What happened to responding “You’re welcome” when someone thanks you? The typical response I get is “No problem.”
While I am happy to hear that I did not cause them a problem (while performing their job), I do not appreciate the response.
I don’t say anything because I think the next thing I would hear is, “OK, boomer.”
Common courtesy is definitely a thing of the past. Just a Boomer
Dear Boomer: “You’re welcome” is part of a politeness formula we North Americans have used for about a century, but the formula is changing. So when someone says “no problem,” they are saying it was their pleasure to serve you and acknowledging your appreciation.
Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.