Time for mom to back off

Dear Amy: I am a single, 35-year-old woman with a successful career. I am an only child. I work in a safe area and live about 10 minutes from my parents.

My mother has been a devoted homemaker ever since I was born, and she is one of the sweetest, smartest and most caring people I know. But she worries constantly about the people she loves.

Well into my late 20s, if I did not call her the minute I left work, she’d be worried sick, and would even send my father to check on me.

We had some stressful conversations, and it got better. However, I still feel stifled. For instance, I tend to travel with friends but also have taken a couple of solo trips.

My mother recently said that she had serious anxiety when I took these trips. She insists that I never travel alone again.

She recently became so anxious about my outing with friends to our very safe downtown area that she insisted I carpool with them.

I have tried telling her how stifled I sometimes feel. She says I am being oblivious to my own safety as a single woman, and that she would not worry if I had a husband to protect me.

I am not in a rush to marry the wrong person simply to gain a bodyguard.

It would be one thing if my mom were a manipulative person, but since she is so sweet, it is tougher for me to know how to view this.

Am I indeed being oblivious about my own safety? Loving Daughter

Dear Daughter: Your close and loving relationship with your mother may have prevented you from going through the important developmental stage that most children experience as teenagers — when they rebel, push back and differentiate from their parents.

These “stressful conversations” you’ve had with your mother about her extreme anxiety and control are your delayed effort to create a life that is appropriately separate from hers.

She may be very sweet but she is using her anxiety to manipulate you.

You are going to have to be emotionally brave and tougher with your mother regarding the impact of her fearful behavior on your life.

This level of worry and control is stifling for a 35year-old. You have the right to your own feelings and reactions!

Lovingly push back. Urge your mother to seek therapeutic help for her extreme anxiety, which does seem beyond the norm.

Dear Amy: I was married for 30 years when my husband filed for divorce. I was in surgery that day. We have four daughters. I feel truly defeated that their father treats me so poorly. I don’t have brothers or sons.

My father divorced my mom for another woman 40 younger than he.

Is it worth asking my ex for a second chance to start over? Our daughters have only seen failed marriages in their lives. Their dad has no compassion or empathy. Second Chance

Dear Second Chance: I understand your impulse — to try to show your daughters what a successful marriage looks like — but begging their father for a second chance is not the way to do it.

They may be best served by watching you make your own way in the world, using your second chance to build an independent, fulfilling life, complete with the opportunity to meet a person who treats you as you deserve to be treated.