Mother wants to be BFFs

Growing up, my mother clearly dictated our relationship. She was the authoritarian figure and I was the obedient daughter.

We were never best friends because she could not be levelheaded. Instead, she was always a disciplinarian and a “Wait until your father hears about this” kind of mother.

My mother approached me (I’m 34) about why we don’t have a “best friends” relationship. She noticed that her friends are “BFFs” with their daughters.

I was blunt. I told her that she was at fault for setting those boundaries and not providing a levelheaded atmosphere at home. I said I was OK with our relationship because I know I could not change her.

My father says it has emotionally affected her to the point where she sees a counselor on a regular basis.

My father says she will not accept any responsibility, and it is my responsibility to start the conversation and to accept the blame.

She has never accepted fault over any situation.

I told my father that I will not accept the blame and will not have the conversation because it will go nowhere. I’m indifferent.

I’m not sure if there is anything I can do to positively change our relationship without taking all the blame. What can I do? Distant Daughter

Dear Distant: You talk a lot about “fault” and “blame.” If you and your mother want to develop a friendship, you are both going to have to learn to let go of some score-keeping.

Your mother is in therapy. She might be using her hurt feelings to try to manipulate you. But she also seems to be making a bid for connection. Now it’s your turn to decide whether you will accept the bid. The conversation you two might have will start the way friendships do — slowly, haltingly, and through looking for commonalities instead of faults.

One opening bid from you might be to ask her about her therapy. Why is she there, what is she learning, what does she hope to accomplish, and what does she want from you?

Dear Amy: I’ve been seeing “Julian” for two months. We are both in our late 20s.

He is sweet, generous, owns a business, has multiple hobbies, and is honest with me about everything. All of my friends love him.

However, I am scared for him to meet my conservative family. Julian is covered in tattoos.

A couple are always visible on the back of his neck. I like his tattoos. His career is also blue collar.

Recently, my mother “stalked” his Instagram page, and called me in a rage. She said that there “must be something wrong with him” to cover himself like that and that I “cannot” date him.

She said that she’s terrified of what our family will think of him.

I am waiting for my older brother to say similar words.

I told her that she has to stop trying to control me, and to just accept it. However, I am still hurt and don’t want to deal with more judgments. What should I do? Not Judging a Book by its Cover

Dear Not Judging: At your age and stage, it is past time to differentiate from your family. Their unkind and overblown reaction to your guy’s appearance reflects poorly on them.

Be like Cher’s character in “Moonstruck.” Tell them to “snap out of it!”