She wants sex, he doesn’t
I am a woman in my mid-50s. I had a brief, miserable marriage in my 30s (no kids) and have been happily single ever since.
“Jack” is 60, was married for his entire adult life, and has two grown kids. He thought his marriage was happy, but his wife just left one day. (I knew them both before.) After their divorce, Jack and I started dating.
Jack is loving and considerate. We have a wonderful life with fulfilling jobs, a great circle of friends and shared hobbies. We talk through differences like rational people. We’ve bought a house. I could not imagine a better relationship!
Still, my self-esteem has taken some hits. Jack did not choose to end his marriage, and being aware that he would prefer to be with his ex makes me feel like I’m the consolation prize. Jack has never said anything about it, but I’m aware of it.
Also, for some reason that he is unwilling to discuss, Jack does not want to be intimate. We had a few encounters early in our relationship solely because he wanted to please me. Whenever I bring up the subject, he just says he’s more interested in companionship.
Is a lack of sexual intimacy common in relationships between older people?
I’m OK with never having sex, as long as it’s not a sign of something bigger missing in our relationship. Confusedly Celibate
Dear Celibate: You say that you and “Jack” talk through your differences like rational human beings.
I don’t relish poking holes in your happiness, but Jack lets you assume he’d prefer his ex. He frames his marriage as having ended out of the blue. He won’t have sex and won’t discuss it.
Has it occurred to you that this behavior might have contributed to his wife’s choice to leave?
Libido does drop for some as they age, but it hasn’t dropped for you and I do not think it is the norm for older people to be celibate. There’s nothing wrong with choosing celibacy, but you didn’t choose it — he did.
True intimacy entails being courageous enough to let yourself be loved through your weakest or more challenging moments. It starts with talking, listening and responding honestly.
If your relationship was in the right place, your selfesteem would not take such hits. You have the right to ask questions and engage in honest conversations. If he can’t (or won’t) engage in this way, then you’ll have a tough choice to make.
Dear Amy: I’ve been in a bridge club for over 10 years (12 members). We get together about once a month.
Before the last couple of years, the host provided dinner and drinks. It was great! You had a night off and enjoyed someone else’s hospitality and cooking.
In the last few years, this has become more of a “potluck.” The problem is, the same few people seem to be bringing the pots! I often bring an enticing, creative dish, only to have someone else bring a bottle of sparkling water or nothing.
Is there a way to even the workload, without pointing fingers and hurting feelings? A Bridge Too Far
Dear Bridge: The way to work this out is to talk about it as a group. You can say, “Our bridge dinner was great while it lasted, but do we want to transition away from the dinner and into something else?” Bringing snacks, desserts or just sharing beverages might be the collective choice.