Address alcoholism first

I am 42 and my wife is 40. We were both abused as children.

I like to drink, and my wife has followed this path.

Should we tell our kids about our past troubles?

We have done well for ourselves. Our kids are great. They know we love them, and they have done well.

Obviously, they see us drink too much at times.

The oldest is going to college. I’ve told him about the genetics of alcohol (it runs in our family), but should I tell him about the abuse?

You always talk about being honest, but this seems like it might be too much.

I’m not sure if I’m trying to cover my own insecurities by telling him, or if honesty is the best policy here. Loving Father

Dear Father: Yes, honesty is the best policy. So let’s talk about your drinking.

You seem to gloss over your alcohol abuse by saying it is genetic; I infer that your childhood abuse has been a factor, and both are likely related to your drinking.

It is possible that your childhood abuse was perpetrated by people who were — like you — abusing alcohol.

You need to start your conversations by getting real about your alcohol abuse. The most impactful statement you could make to your family would be to admit you are abusing alcohol — and to seek recovery.

The worst message is to tell your kids that alcoholism is genetic (this is partly correct) while you are drinking — sometimes drunk — in front of them. Your children will sniff out the hypocrisy. They also will get the message that alcohol is more powerful than they are.

Your kids love you. But that love will take a back seat to the vulnerable legacy imposed by your untreated addiction. Children of alcoholics are often high-functioning “fixers,” with a deep well of anxiety they hide from the world. (In short, you don’t actually know how “great” they are doing.)

Yes, you should tell your kids about your childhoods, but not right before your son heads off to college, and not while you are still drinking.

Start by admitting your alcoholism, telling your story to a qualified therapist and working toward recovery. Al-Anon’s program for kids, Alateen, would be useful for your kids.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 1⁄2 years. He was married before and had children with his ex.

The marriage ended almost 10 years ago, when she told him she’d had an affair.

My issue is that his family continues to invite her to family functions — not just major holidays but birthdays and such.

I have nothing against her — it just feels wrong!

Am I wrong if I tell them that as long as they continue to invite her to events, we will not attend?

My boyfriend is too nice to tell his family it bothers him, although in my opinion he shouldn’t have to. Savvy Girlfriend

Dear Savvy: Are you the boss of your boyfriend — and his family? Do you dictate terms of their socializing?

You don’t have anything against this woman; your boyfriend’s family obviously don’t have anything against her; and your boyfriend likely doesn’t care one way or the other, because if he did, he’d let them know he didn’t want to socialize with her.

If you don’t want to attend events where his ex is invited, stay home, but if you make your attendance conditional, be prepared for them to choose her.