Helping a newfound son

A few years ago, I submitted my DNA on an ancestry site.

Last year, I received an email from a newly discovered son, “Joe.” He was adopted at birth and had received minimal information about his mother, although she left information that the father (me) was unaware of the pregnancy. (I was in college then. I am in my 70s).

Joe’s DNA test confirmed our relationship. I welcomed the information and have established a long-distance relationship (as have my wife and other children).

I now am fairly certain that I know the identity of Joe’s birth mother. I wanted to get her permission before I disclosed her name to Joe, but have discovered that she died. Through internet searches I have discovered the names of her other children, all born after Joe.

I think I can now tell Joe everything I know, so he can perhaps learn more about his birth mother through her other children. He could suggest that they submit their DNA to confirm the relationship. Your thoughts?

DNA Papa

Dear Papa: You are genuinely motivated to help your son, but — rather than speculate about the identity of his birth mother, exposing a group of strangers to the shock of this (potentially incorrect) information, you should advise him to first go to the county where he was born and fill out a petition with the court to have access to his own adoption records (his adoptive parents may want to help him with this).

People who register to have their DNA tested and entered into a databank do so with some awareness that they might be in store for some surprises.

People placing children for adoption also have the legal right to privacy. They have tackled a very painful dilemma.

“Joe” should go through legal channels. He should also be patient — because, given the ubiquity of these DNA databases, there is a likelihood that he will receive more “pings” and notifications that he has additional DNA matches.

I might advise you toward more proactive disclosure if Joe was facing a serious inherited illness, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Dear Amy: A couple of weeks before Christmas, my oldest son called with the news that his family planned to come home.

I was elated as the last time my three sons have been together for this holiday was over 10 years ago, and never since all the grandkids have been born.

The only issue was a very big condition: They needed to have a “quiet” area of the house for his mother-in-law, who lives with them. She is bipolar and needs her sleep.

We live in a small tri-level home and I was not sure how this would work!

We offered to give them the house — they could divide up the three bedrooms, and we would stay in a hotel.

Well, they didn’t come. It was very sad for me.

Were we out of line?

Sad Mom and Nana

Dear Sad: You offering your entire home to this group was not out of line — it was generous. You should assume that your son simply couldn’t face the prospect of putting you out of your house during the visit.

I hope you can approach this with compassion toward this family. Yes, you are sad that they couldn’t visit. But they have a lot on their plate, and it sounds as if they are doing their best.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.