Surprise second marriage

For the past few months, I have been dating a guy who (I thought) could be “the one.”

Tonight, he told me that instead of just being married once (for 18 years), he was actually married a second time (for two years). This came out of nowhere. I was aware of his first marriage and two kids but was completely blindsided by the revelation of the second marriage (which in his words was a horrendous mistake).

I don’t know why he wasn’t honest from the beginning, and I am concerned he only brought this up to save our relationship.

I see the many red flags but keep seeing his “good side.” It’s what I tend to do.

I understand him wanting to get everything out in the open now. I want to encourage his honesty, but should I be concerned that it took so long to share this two-year marriage with me?

How do I move on trusting that there is no other shoe to drop?

Do I need to calm down? Or is this the brightest shade of red on a flag yet? Florida Flag Girl

Dear Flag: This disclosure was offered, freely, as a way to further your intimate connection (what you call “saving

the relationship.”) Granted, it should have been made earlier.

Your guy deeply regrets this second marriage. He is embarrassed by it. Have you fully disclosed your most embarrassing and regrettable episodes?

Have you told him about your most horrendous mistake? If so, your own honesty and trust may have inspired him to feel comfortable enough to disclose his.

Yes, this is a flag, but not necessarily a red f lag. Take it more as a sign that you two are on a journey toward intimacy, and also as a good reason not to rush headlong or blindly forward. You should always be responsible and self-protective regarding your own choices.

Ask him what other headlines he has buried.

In short: Trust but verify.

Dear Amy: In a completely unexpected and delightful turn of events, a fabulous guy and I found each other and we have been joyfully together for a couple of years.

We are both “seniors” (70ish), with parallel experiences of marriage, children and divorce. I think we are both a bit shocked that our relationship is so much fun, so strong, and shows every sign of continuing. Our families and friends are “all in.”

Neither of us has a desire to marry, blend finances or cohabit. I guess you’d call us LTAs (living together, apart), which seems to be the latest “thing” in senior relationships.

Yet something seems unfinished. A formal commitment? If I’m honest, it would be nice. I would really treasure wearing his ring and having him wear mine. Not marriage, but a proclamation about the way things are between us.

If he didn’t want to, I could let it go.

If I worked up the courage to ask for a ring, would he think my request touching — or corny? Senior-itis

Dear Senior-itis: When my husband and I decided to get married, I said, “Engagement rings are a young woman’s game. I don’t think I want one.” He said, “Oh, you’re getting a ring, missy. And it’s going to be beautiful.” (I did, and it is.)

There is something about a ring — it reminds you of your commitment. Ask your guy how he feels about exchanging rings.