A tough time for student
Dear Amy:
My beautiful high school senior is having a hard time.
When she was in elementary school, she announced that she would be the high school valedictorian. She has kept her vow. She volunteers for many organizations, tutors middle-school students, is an athlete, and is on the mock trial and academic team.
Her intense discipline, vision and hard work paid off.
Because of the current national crisis, she will not be able to attend any of the end-of-year banquets, give her farewell speeches, go to prom, walk at graduation, or go to parties.
When she shared her disappointment with a beloved relative, this person responded: “Welcome to adult life. You will discover disappointments at every turn. How you handle bad luck and disappointments will determine your long-term success.”
Even though I agree with the advice, it feels cold and uncaring.
What can her mother and I do to help? Sad Dad
Dear Dad:
Your “beloved relative” did my job for me. Every word of what that person said is true. This is
NOT what a hurting teenager wants to hear, but I assure you — this “cold and unfeeling” wisdom will come back to her time and time again. Eventually, she will be grateful for it.
The experiences she and her cohorts are absorbing during this period will stay with them for the rest of their lives. They will remember it as being an extremely challenging and unfair time, that nonetheless taught them many things. When they have children of their own, they will try to pass along some of the wisdom your relative tried to impart (and it will no-doubt be met with generational skepticism).
Granted — any tough love is easier to hear when it is accompanied by a hug, tenderness and the reaction that every hurting person values, which is to feel seen and understood. That’s what you and her mother will deliver.
Dear Amy:
My husband, “Stan,” has been divorced from his ex-wife for 30 years. He had children with her, but he doesn’t really know them.
Stan and I have two adult children together.
Our daughter found one of her half-sisters.They are starting to visit each other and seem to enjoy each other’s company.
We recently found out that our daughter has begun a relationship with her father’s ex-wife. Stan was hurt and feels betrayed by our daughter.
It now appears that his ex-wife has visited our daughter and our grandchild!
Of course, if she was our daughter’s mother or stepmother, it would make sense. We don’t understand this. Wondering Parents
Dear Wondering:
Your daughter’s relationship with her half-sister has quite naturally expanded to include other family members. It is not surprising that you would both feel threatened by this. In addition to “sharing” your daughter and grandchild with another parental figure, your husband may fear that an alternate version of this long-ago history may emerge.
You have no choice but to accept this relationship. Eventually, the halves of your husband’s history may become more integrated.