Cigarettes are his leverage

My husband died last October.

I struggled being strong for our kids. When my dad and his wife invited me to visit, I jumped at the offer.

I needed to feel my dad’s hugs desperately. We were talking about me coming to stay with them for a couple of months next winter. My father even said they had a room in their home waiting for me — anytime.

A month later, I hear the room and their love for me has a stipulation: The catch is that I must stop smoking.

They say my smoking makes them both sick, even though I walk away from the house to smoke. I know I smoke less when I’m there. My father claims I make his wife sick, and she claims I make him sick.

I believe his wife has manipulated him.

I have tried my whole life to stop smoking. Even before this stipulation was placed on me, I was again trying to quit, but this news just tore me up. I feel so hurt.

This is evidence that my dad wouldn’t even show me compassion when I am in mourning.

This has made me feel as though I’m grieving the loss of my husband but also the loss of my dad.

How do I move past this, when my heart feels so broken? Grieving Daughter

Dear Grieving: One way to move past this is to commit to trying, once again, to tackle your smoking addiction. (Smokefree.gov has guidelines, suggestions, support and an app that can help to keep you on track.)

You don’t seem able, or willing, to see this from your father’s perspective: He is offering hugs, and housing, and he is using this leverage to try to force you to deal with your smoking. He cannot actually control you, so this leverage is all he has.

You see your dad’s nonnegotiable as a refusal to spend time with you — and you really blame his wife — but they are not refusing to see you. They are not refusing to love you. They are refusing to have you live with them while you are smoking. This is a very clear-cut nonnegotiable.

You can consume nicotine without smoking cigarettes — try gum, lozenges, patches, prescription inhalers or vaping. None of these should bother other people and may help you to become smoke-free.

Dear Amy: For as long as I can remember, my mother has been sharing with me her feelings of sadness and frustration with my father. I have expressed my frustration about this many times, and it gets better for a little while, but soon enough, she’s back to doing it again.

My parents live across the street, so it’s not like I can avoid them — nor would I want to. They’ve been married for 60 years, and I know they love each other.

A therapist told me to tell my mother that when she does this, it’s like she’s throwing up on me. That worked for a while but Mom says, “I just need to share it with someone.”

As far as I can tell, my dad never stops trying to please her, but it seems she always has a problem. Your advice? Reached My Limit

Dear Limit: Your physical proximity to your parents leads me to offer two suggestions: Stop explaining yourself. Vote with your feet. Every time she does this, you should say, “Well, that’s my cue. I’m going to get going.”

Your mother really does need an outlet. Give her your therapist’s number, to call for a referral.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.