Don’t try to guilt lazy kids

I’ve noticed that exasperated parents write you to complain about teen, young adult or even adult children living at home but contributing nothing.

You recommend treating them as the adults they ought to be or are becoming.

I’ve tried chores with and without allowance. I’ve offered other forms of compensation (I do the laundry and make the meals, you vacuum the living room).

I’ve tried demonstrating hard work by doing it all — they watch from the sofa. I’ve tried boycotting by doing nothing — and I end up living in a messy house.

I’ve tried taking away anything they leave lying around.

I’ve appealed to my husband to lead by example and request they contribute. Nothing works long-term.

What would you recommend I do to get my teens to help out consistently?

Don’t they want to help someone who does so much for them? How do I get them to understand they simply have to?

Dear Exasperated: If you and your husband were consistently on the same page regarding family household responsibilities, your kids would (more or less) be on that page too. Some parents and kids are good at striking deals and bargains with one another. That’s not working for you, so don’t do it.

If you’ve been babying them and now expect them to pitch in out of gratitude — forget that. Guilt doesn’t work with most teens.

Show them how to do their laundry and post written instructions over the machines. If they don’t have clean clothes — too bad.

You and your husband should draw up a short list of weekly chores. You can ask them to each choose one to do. If they can’t agree (or refuse), then assign them.

If one of your kids agrees to take the trash to the curb, and you remind him (once), and he still doesn’t do it, let it sit until next week. If he still doesn’t do it, then don’t pay for his phone or allowance (“You forget, I forget”).

Notice and praise them when they’ve met expectations: “That takes a lot off my plate. Thank you!”

If you’ve asked them repeatedly to clear their items out of common areas and they don’t — put the things they leave behind on the porch, in the garage or outside. And leave them there.

I’m talking about normal, proportional consequences.

Don’t discuss, don’t bargain, don’t yell — just do it. And follow through with calm consistency and humor.

Dear Amy: I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years. I found out he cheated on me with a so-called mutual friend.

I’ve decided to try to forgive and forget, but it has been a year and I still can’t seem to trust him. I’m still paranoid about who he’s texting and where he’s going. I don’t know what to do. Paranoid

Dear Paranoid: You seem to be working hard to regain the trust in your relationship. What is your boyfriend doing to earn this trust?

He should be completely transparent about all of his activities that give you anxiety. This means volunteering to show you his phone, if you want to see it, and reassuring you about where he is and who he is with. He should agree to go with you to see a couples counselor.

To move forward in your relationship, you should work toward forgiveness, but it is not necessary for you to forget this happened.