Hosting safe baby shower

Dear Amy: My husband and I are expecting our first baby, due in October.

This will be my only child due to my age, and also because the pregnancy has been medically complicated.

I was initially excited to have a baby shower, but I’m concerned about the health of family and friends, as well as me and my unborn child.

Many of my family members are much older and at higher risk for serious complications from COVID-19.

Some would not be willing to wear masks; and most of my family would not be computer-savvy enough to do a video-call-shower.

Maintaining proper etiquette is important to me. Do you have suggestions for how I can enjoy this momentous event with a shower yet keep everyone safe?

I feel it would be terribly tacky to just send out information and/or links to my baby registry without a shower. I also feel sad at the prospect of missing out on spending time with my close-knit extended family. Expectant

Dear Expectant: You should follow your judgment. This is one of many important decisions you will make as a new parent.

You say etiquette is important to you; “old-school” rules dictate that you should not host this shower for yourself. A friend or relative normally steps in to organize and host.

I have heard of “remote” showers that seem to work out well — gifts are shipped to you and then you start the shower at a prearranged time, with guests joining remotely as you and your husband open gifts.

It might be fun to send your remote guests an invitation with a tea cup (or inexpensive wine glass), with directions to “join” you at a specific date and time via video conference or phone.

The host of the shower would send directions for how to do this, as well as contact information for anyone with questions.

AARP.org offers an online tutorial on how to use this technology, and even people with landlines can join by phone.

Dear Amy: I wanted to add to your advice to “Sad on the West Coast,” who was reflecting on a 2-year-old dispute where her husband blew up at a neighbor. She said he apologized but the matter was far from settled.

I’m a longtime member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

What I teach the people I sponsor about “making amends” — and what I practice — is there are three steps: (1) tell them what you did (take responsibility for the harm); (2) ask them if you left anything out, or if they want to say anything to you; and (3) ask them how you can set things right and, if it is reasonable, do it.

I’ve had good success using this process.

An apology (saying “I’m sorry”) may or may not be what someone wants to hear. Often, it just tells them how you feel about the situation but does not involve taking responsibility. And we hear way too many “I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings” types of “apologies.” D

Dear D: This is so helpful. Guided by lessons I’ve learned here, I recently took responsibility and apologized to someone for something I said; frankly, the person seemed stunned. I was reminded of how powerful an apology can be.

Good apologies are relationship-builders, because they are personally challenging and convey vulnerability, humility and intimacy.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.