Isolation is taking its toll

Dear Amy: I have been married for 20 years (no kids). It has been a good marriage; we’ve worked at it.

Now I am befuddled. Ever since the pandemic hit, my wife has stopped wearing makeup or dressing up. Intimacy has stopped. Even showers are optional.

My wife has an extensive collection of clothes and shoes that she loved wearing on weekends.

Well, Amy, ALL OF THAT HAS STOPPED. I feel like she is a shell of what she used to be. Now she will wear the same jeans for three days in a row. She gives me vague excuses.

She works from home and that seems to be the only thing that gets any emotion from her.

I get the feeling that she doesn’t even recognize that she is doing any of this.

Is this a warning sign of something? Any advice? Pandemic Pandemonium

Dear Pandemonium:

Yesterday I went to the first (outdoor) family gathering in four months. In the course of trying to get (appropriately) dressed, I realized I’d almost forgotten how.

My point is that when the weekdays blend into the weekends, there seems to be little reason to change out of those three-day jeans. It has also been a weird time when we women watch our gray roots grow out, go without getting our teeth cleaned, don’t wear makeup or lipstick (what’s the point, behind a mask?) and don’t have the experience of primping for an important board meeting, or night out.

Being socially isolated is very hard on many people — in ways they may not be able to recognize or express. Your wife may be distracted, anxious and depressed — as many people are. Urge her to check in with her doctor to be screened for depression.

Initiate an outing. Pack a picnic. Go to a nice outdoor spot where you can sit together, take in new scenery (including each other) and reconnect.

Dear Amy: I think I’m too considerate and helpful. I go out of my way to help my friends. I’m always available when they ask. I guess I do this because it makes me feel important and loved.

When my friends are selfish, I get quietly resentful instead of brushing it off or calling them out.

My friends who have stronger personalities can “get away” with being rude or selfish. But whenever I do something selfish or rude, no one hesitates to let me know. My mom used to say about me with a laugh: “‘Clara’ is so nice, but everyone’s always mad at her.”

I care so much about being perceived as nice and fair that I’m unfair to myself. I have an irrational fear of anyone getting angry at me. Do you have tips for emotional strength and learning to be less considerate? Too Nice

Dear Too Nice: In human relationships, being less available often makes people respect you more. It’s counterintuitive but true.

I think you overextend yourself for others because you are worried that if you don’t, you might disappear. And that if you disappeared, you might not be missed.

Being kind and loving starts with how you treat yourself. You don’t have to confront people but you do need to set limits, and if someone is a jerk, reconsider whether it is worth being friends with them at all.

Choose to be around people who value your kindness and generosity, and respect you as an individual.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.