Where are they heading?
Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I (both 23) have been dating for the past nine months. He does not want to get married and have kids later on — while I do. We both knew our stances on marriage and kids from the start, but because I was in the middle of my Hot Girl Summer when we met, I was fine with just dating.
I truly think the legal benefits of marriage are important. For example, visiting someone in the hospital when only family members are allowed.
If not for that benefit I wouldn’t care about getting married. A man who is committed to me and our happiness is all I would want.
His parents have been divorced since he was an adolescent, and he fears he’ll get stuck in a loveless marriage or end up losing half his money and the kids in a divorce.
We are so compatible in every single way (except for marriage). I do not want to prematurely end the relationship over this. I just want to be able to enjoy the love we have, appreciate my boyfriend, and truly give it my all before our inevitable end. Any advice?
IN LOVE
Dear In Love: If you and your boyfriend designate each other to be a health care proxy, you won’t have to worry about being married in case of a hospitalization.
Except — this is not about visiting someone in the hospital. You want to get married and have children one day, and — you don’t need to justify that. Your guy seems to have been deeply affected by his own parents’ divorce, and it is not surprising that he is marriage avoidant, although his dim view of family life is cause for concern.
You are approaching the one-year mark of your relationship, and it is appropriate for you two to communicate honestly about where you see this relationship going. And if you want marriage and kids — you should say so out loud and be prepared to leave the relationship — not to manipulate him but because you know who you are and what you want in life.
You’ve got more Hot Girl Summers ahead of you. You want to be with someone who shares your core goals and values — a person who will still be there — long after the hotness fades.
Dear Amy: Some of our longtime friends don’t realize (or perhaps care) that this country’s norms and institutions are eroding before our eyes and we are slipping into an authoritarian state. These friends seem impervious to our polite entreaties for them to, well, wake up!
Do we risk friendships by continuing to persuade others of the dangers we face, or should we put friendships first? Or should we just walk away from those with whom we will never agree?
TOM IN LOS ANGELES
Dear Tom: I think you should celebrate the freedom we each have to either launch an insurrection, or go to the movies.
You don’t seem to consider the possibility that those that disagree with your broad statements might not be wrong.
Many relationships have been strained — and broken — over politics. These are values calls. Your political beliefs represent a core value to you, and so it seems that yes — your values should come before your friendships. However, if you surround yourself with only people who agree with you, you will miss the experience of being challenged.