Rewrite the abusive script
Dear Amy:
My father was judgmental, critical, mean to my mother, and generally lacking in empathy or love. I can’t remember him ever saying “I love you” to any of us. He would start fights with Mom that made everyone uncomfortable.
My mother died in 2007. She modeled good parenting, and we never questioned her love for us.
I’m now married (12 years, second time). I consciously vowed never to be like my dad.
I recently visited my brother and his wife. During my visit, I immediately recognized the behavior I detested in my dad, coming from my brother. He constantly belittled his wife, and was impatient and critical.
Recently, I started recognizing my father in me! Innocent little arguments with my wife became big ridiculous fights (usually dragged on by me). I started using my dad’s (and brother’s) same belittling language and angry tendencies when talking to my young children.
I have tried so hard to model what I remember from my mother’s loving and gracious behavior — I tell my kids and wife I love them all the time. I intentionally do everything I can do to be a caring, loving husband and father. But I am now recognizing these demons from my father and I’m scared.
Is this normal? Is there a way to quash this behavior? I want my kids and family to love me and remember me for being a loving father, not an angry, belittling jerk.
Dear Scared:
You are not consigned to behave as your father did. You have every advantage — you have your mother’s good example, and you possess both awareness and the desire to change.
Stress will bring out these very old scripts, but you can intentionally rewrite them, with your wife’s help.
Sit with her during a calm moment and talk about how you escalate these arguments. Use “I” statements and never “you” statements. So — “YOU are a so-and-so” becomes “I feel angry/upset/ out of control right now.”
Many “I love yous” do not erase one “You’re worthless.” Always apologize, and be specific about what you are apologizing for. To your kids: “I’m so sorry I said that to you. I’m not being a good dad to you when I talk that way. My dad acted like that and I know how scary it is to be yelled at and called names. I’m going to remind myself to take a deep breath, count to 10 and stop myself from saying hurtful things that I don’t mean.”
Dear Amy:
When I was recently widowed, there were many depressing chores to get through, but some of the financial surprises could have been avoided.
My husband had subscribed to some businesses that were directly billed to our credit cards. I only became aware of them as deliveries were made, some of which had no return address or contact number.
Unscrambling them was a nasty, time-consuming job.
To compound matters, one credit card vendor I contacted to report my husband’s death summarily canceled MY card, despite our spotless credit record.
My advice is: Be sure you share with your partner ALL of your account information. It will spare them so much heartache and stress.
Dear Wizard:
Thank you for this lesson. Now that so many have automatic billing and don’t see a paper bill, sorting this out could be a challenge at a tough time.