Marriage isn’t in his cards

Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship with a man for 10 years. He is 71 and lives in another state (50 miles away). I am 70. I am divorced and he has never married. We both own our homes. When I had a job in another state, I would come home on weekends, and he would come to my house on Friday and leave on Sunday.

We spent most weekends and holidays together and went on vacations (at my expense, because he lives on a low fixed income and I make much more money than he).

Since I retired in October, he is content to keep our arrangement intact.

He does not stay any longer than Sunday unless we have special plans for Sunday night, or go on vacation together.

I want to spend more time with him, but on Sundays he seems anxious to return to his hometown.

He is retired, and when he gets home, he spends his time hanging out at barbershops with his friends. Then he comes back to my house most Fridays.

When we are together, he seems content with our relationship, and we talk on the phone often.

I recently learned from a reliable source that he was asked when we would marry.

He replied, “Never. I have loved only one woman in my life, and if I didn’t marry her, I will never marry.”

I was devastated to hear this because he knows I want to marry him.

Should I confront him with what I have learned, or keep quiet as if I don’t know? Anonymous Woman

Dear Anonymous: Let’s recap: You have been in this relationship for 10 years. Ten. Years. A decade.

Logic would tell you that a man who reaches 70 without marrying (and has spent 10 years with you without marrying) would remain unmarried. And that a man who loves his home and barbershop hang time would either invite you to join him or would continue to enjoy this arrangement alone, because it works for him.

You have now heard that your guy has loved only one woman in his life — and presumably she is not you.

You seem to have surrendered your rights in this relationship. I’m talking about the right to use your voice, to ask questions, to state — out loud — what you want, and to leave a relationship if it doesn’t serve your needs.

Dear Amy: We adore our two college-age nieces and have always supported them as equally as possible.

However, their needs are now very different, as the older one is starting med school. With exorbitant tuition and housing costs, she will need family support for at least four more years.

Her sister soon will complete her undergrad degree and does not plan to continue her education now.

It has been our intent to help both girls as long as they are in school, but this will create a vastly different amount of money needed by each. Another relative plans to give them an equal dollar amount, to remain fair.

Are both of our views equally valid, or is it unfair for us to give one girl so much more? Doting Aunt and Uncle

Dear Doting: In my opinion, both of your positions are valid — because you are all adults, it is your money, and you have the right to spend it as you wish.

Presumably, if your younger niece chooses to go to grad school at some point, you would consider granting her financial support then.