Cutting niece out of will

My dear brother died four years ago, leaving his daughter “Patsy” as his sole heir. My brother was long divorced and lived a couple of hours away from my sister and me. Though we remained close to him, we didn’t know Patsy well; her mother didn’t think much of us. Nonetheless, I sent her birthday cards, graduation and wedding gifts (though I never got a thank-you).

I recently turned 70 and, though in good health, have begun to consider the inevitable. I have no children, nor does my sister. I have tried to engage Patsy on Facebook, where she is a prolific presence. I know an awful lot about her job, her kids and her politics! I have tried to counter some of her most extreme claims. I research my facts, use calm and respectful language, am quick to admit a mistake and avoid escalation.

The responses I get are reactive, emotional, insulting and IN ALL CAPS! Her fiance is patronizing, dismissive and foul-mouthed.

Here’s the dilemma: My husband and I have a substantial estate. Patsy is set to inherit a big chunk of it, and I know she could use it. If I cut her out, the money goes to charities and my husband’s nieces and nephews, all of whom are nice to me.

My brother would roll over in his grave if he knew what Patsy has become. I want to cut her out of my will and am so angry that I want her to know I’ve cut her out, which makes me feel like the manipulative old aunt in a 19th century novel. Can I cut her out but not tell her?

Am I being petty? Auntie

Dear Auntie: “Patsy” has already received an inheritance from her father. I think that you — with a substantial estate and other people and causes to give to — might set aside a nominal amount for her, recognizing the family tie. Then you should give the rest according to your own interests and values. (You might do the bulk of your giving, if possible, during your lifetime.)

What you should NOT do is use your money (or the prospect of inheriting it) to manipulate or punish.

There is no good reason to discuss your plans with Patsy. Given her attitude toward you, she would be a fool to expect much.

Patsy either hasn’t made the connection between her behavior and your money or she has made the connection and doesn’t care, so you’re off the hook.

I’m 20, and I work in a job where the median age is 30. The closest person to my age is still five years older than me.

I feel like they never let me forget that I am young. Despite my qualifications, sometimes they treat me as if I don’t know anything.

This is something I’ve dealt with pretty much my whole life, as I started school early, but I still don’t know how to handle it.

I don’t see my co-workers as old, but I’m struggling to fit in when I can barely say anything without being reminded of my age. What should I do? Too Young to Understand

Dear Too Young: This is the downside of being precocious. I call it “Doogie Howser Syndrome” (look it up).

You have your job for a reason. Your expertise is valuable, otherwise you wouldn’t be there. You might devise a comeback that works for you: “Wait a minute. I think I left my sippy cup in my lunch box” — but mainly I hope you will start to see your youth as a valuable asset — because it is.

Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickinson.com.