New parents being bullied
Dear Amy: Late last year my husband and I had our first child, a son. We let people know that only immediate family members (the new grandparents and our siblings) would be allowed to visit us in the hospital the first day the baby was born. For the remainder of that week, we wanted privacy.
My husband’s family reacted with hostility, especially from my brother-inlaw and his girlfriend. They decided to call us three days before me going in for my Csection and berate us for limiting the visits while we were in the hospital.
Additionally, they were quite offended that we were “giving them” only a few hours with the baby. We had to tell them to either stop or not bother coming to the hospital at all.
Instead, they decided to tell us that they were “walking out of our lives.”
For the past nine months, that is what they have done. We have attempted several times to invite them to meet their nephew, but they refused — claiming we were negative, toxic, and miserable people and that we owe them major apologies.
Meanwhile, I went through a traumatic labor and delivery that caused me to suffer from postpartum depression, and PTSD.
If everyone just prefers to “keep the peace” instead of speaking out about this immature behavior, how can our little family possibly have a relationship with my in-laws? Hurt and Shocked
Dear Hurt: Stop trying to engage with people who obviously want to punish you.
If your brother-in-law and his partner don’t want to be a part of your child’s life, then respect their choice. You might even be grateful for it, because these people sound unsupportive.
The best way to continue to support your own recovery is to build up your confidence as parents, maintain a peaceful and positive home life, and keep the outside drama to a minimum.
Dear Amy: My husband’s sisters are big smokers. We are often invited to their home for chats and s’mores around their outdoor fire pit.
They use their fire pit as an ashtray for butts and partly smoked cigarettes.
They believe that since we don’t smell any cigarette smoke as the fire burns, second-hand smoke isn’t an issue.
I feel this is second-hand smoke and a real health concern. Cigarette filters burned in a fire pit are toxic.
Everyone else, including my husband, thinks there is minimal cause for alarm.
Should I excuse myself from these otherwise enjoyable gatherings? AF, Upstate NY
Dear AF: Cigarettes aside, the backyard fire pit itself presents risks to lung health. According to the Environmental Protection Agency (epa.gov), “In addition to particle pollution, wood smoke contains several toxic harmful air pollutants, including: benzene, formaldehyde, acrolein, and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs).”
Cigarette filters are made of cellulose acetate, which is a finely spun plastic (not cotton, as I had always assumed). Burning plastic sends off toxic fumes. The leftover tobacco on the spent cigarettes will also release “second-hand” smoke.
Despite that, I might not necessarily let that stop me from hanging (upwind) at the fire pit, but you are smart to educate yourself on the risks to your lung health.