Truth isn’t always wanted

I’ve been friends with a woman since college. We are both middleaged and married (to men).

Upon meeting her husband for the first time (years ago), I had the immediate sense that he may be homosexual or bisexual. It was how he spoke to other men at the restaurant table, and a flirting moment with the waiter that gave me pause.

I assumed it was just an intuition and, frankly, none of my business. But the more my friend began to discuss her relationship, the more convinced I became that he may lean that direction. Worse, she seemed to be in denial about it.

We often get together as couples, and the flirting behavior is the same.

He has one male friend he spends a lot of time with, and he once became angry with his wife because she arrived home unexpectedly. He even asked her to stay out of sight while the friend was there because it was “awkward” for her to be in their space.

She seems quite bitter. When she tells me these things, I roll my eyes and we commiserate about spousal life. Meanwhile, I’m screaming inside.

What should I do, if anything? Sincerely Stumped

I often say that “good friends tell one another the truth.” Yet in this situation I keep returning to your observation that this man’s sexuality isn’t your business. It really isn’t!

Commiserating about your husbands might feel helpful in the moment, but I’ve noticed the people I know in what I would call mature, stable relationships don’t do this. It’s not because their relationships are universally happier but more they have figured out griping about their partner invites lopsided judgment.

If your friend asked you outright, “What do you think is going on with Frederick? He doesn’t seem interested in me,” you could say: “Have you two ever talked about his sexuality? He has always struck me as being more sexually fluid than you are.”

Dear Amy: I am a 29-yearold woman. Last year I met “Tony” on a dating app. Soon into the relationship the issue of my weight came up. He said, “I only date models. I like women 6 feet tall and thin.” He said he wasn’t sexually attracted to me. I am 6 feet tall but size 12.

I tried really hard and lost a few pounds. We’ve lived together for almost a year. Six weeks ago, I found out I was pregnant. This is a miracle, considering that we have sex only once a month.

Now he says he’s depressed and unhappy with me and my weight and he can’t go on for another 50 years in a sexless marriage. This hurt unimaginably. He says I’m dirty and disgusting and I can’t raise a child.

I’m so scared. Now I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do. Do I leave and move back to my parents’ house? I have a good job, and I could manage.

What confuses me is that after he says all this stuff, he’ll say, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to break up and be the bad guy.” I don’t even know what’s normal anymore. Scared

Dear Scared: You say you don’t know what is normal anymore, so I’ll tell you. Tony is an abusive jerk. His behavior will get worse over time.

Your primary job now is to take care of yourself and your unborn child. If you have to move in with your folks until you can get on your feet, do that.

You’ll recover your selfesteem once you are away from this toxic person.