Los Angeles Times

Adult stepson is no help

- Send questions to Amy Dickinson by email to ask amy@amydickins­on.com.

Dear Amy:

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He has a son, “Franklin,” who is 20.

Franklin works a few hours a week at a restaurant, with no aspiration­s to go to school or get a full-time job.

Prior to him turning 18, he would split his time equally between his mother’s house and ours. Now he spends five days at our house and two days at his mother’s house. He sleeps all day and is awake all night playing video games (loudly, I might add).

He does nothing to help, nor does he pay any rent.

I believe he is required to do some chores at his mother’s, which I am assuming is why he chooses to mainly live with us. My husband and I have demanding jobs (60plus hours per week), and we could use some help around the house. My husband is defensive about this situation.

Last week, we both sat down with Franklin. He is supposed to clean his room, change his sleeping schedule, help with the yardwork and the dishes, and stay half the time with his mother.

The first day, he picked up his room. It is now 10 days later. He is back to staying here five days a week. It is 4:30 p.m., and he is still sleeping, even though he is supposed to be working.

I am resentful. Although my name is on the deed and I have put thousands of dollars into the house, I feel this is not my home. No Peace of Mind

Dear No Peace:

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you or your husband that you two are basically holding this young man back and contributi­ng to his delinquenc­y.

Franklin will never help with housework because he has never faced reasonable expectatio­ns and proportion­al consequenc­es.

He needs to be out on his own, where he will more directly determine his destiny. You should calmly state your expectatio­n to both your husband and stepson. His 21st birthday would be a reasonable deadline. You and his dad can continue to be supportive coaches. A counselor could help you two to sort out the inevitable tension about this.

Dear Amy:

You recently affirmed an elderly couple’s choice that they would “rather die of COVID than loneliness.” If COVID-19 were any other disease, I would agree with them and their “right to choose.” However, this is a highly infectious disease that is putting healthcare workers through the wringer.

If the elderly parents were to get infected, it would not affect just them. It would put healthcare workers who end up caring for them in danger. We’ve lost nearly 1,000 healthcare workers to COVID-19, and the number will surely grow as we gather more data. There is a PPE shortage, putting these workers at risk as they care for COVID-19 patients.

Healthcare workers are suffering major burnout and PTSD from working in this unpreceden­ted crisis. Many say they used to see two deaths a year on their ward, and now it’s up to two a day. This has major lasting emotional effects.

The elderly parents, if sick, would take up a bed and medical resources that could go to someone who hasn’t chosen death.

I urge people to realize that this is bigger than any one person. We’re all in it together. Alex

Dear Alex:

You are absolutely right. Thank you so much for offering this heartbreak­ing perspectiv­e.

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