Ex-friend making amends

Dear Amy: I am a single male in my early 30s. After law school, I met “Judith,” and we became friends. We were competitive athletes in the same sport, the same age, and knew some of the same people.

The friendship was strictly platonic. I considered her my best friend. We had a falling-out over something quite petty, on its face: After a fun party weekend in the mountains, I felt compelled to ask her (and her boyfriend) to pay for part of the lodging expenses. It really wasn’t about the money, but I couldn’t help but to feel used. It embarrassed me to ask her to contribute after the fact, when I had assumed that they would step up without asking.

The resulting (text) conversation we had was insulting. She brought up topics from the past that were unrelated and out of line. I felt hurt and betrayed.

This happened over a year ago. She has reached out multiple times to apologize and try to mend fences. For the most part, I do not respond.

She reached out to ask if I considered the friendship over. She wanted to invite me to her engagement party. I do think her attempts to reconcile have been genuine and she understands that she was in the wrong regarding our falling-out.

The thing is, I don’t want to be friends. I feel like once the paper is crumpled up, it can’t be perfect again.

I can forgive her for the petty argument, but I will never forget how it made me feel. The way I view her has been forever altered.

Do I need to rethink my approach to friendship?

Disoriented in Denver

Dear Disoriented: Ina perfect world, we would never need to smooth out a piece of crumpled paper in order to reread what’s written upon it; we wouldn’t need to accept an apology; we would never face the necessity of forgiving someone.

However, the world is not perfect. No one’s story can be read on pristine paper.

It’s possible Judith has changed. She is extending a hand. You have anchored to your disappointment. I wonder if this is the kind of person you want to be.

I do think you need to rethink your approach to friendship. This reevaluation doesn’t mean that you must reenter Judith’s life, but most disappointments offer opportunities for growth. Judith may have grown. Have you?

Dear Amy: Today my English teacher told me about you. She suggested that I reach out for some advice.

My concern is that I’m planning to go to college next year, but I don’t know what I’m going to study. I’m excited about studying, but the situation with the pandemic is not the greatest. I don’t feel ready to go.

What do you think? Should I make plans to go, or should I take a gap year?

Confused about College

Dear Confused: I like the idea of delaying college by a year, especially for younger students. (I started college at 17, and often wish I had waited).

I don’t love the term “gap year,” however, because it implies that it should be seen as a void of some kind.

Maybe we should call this a “goal year” or a “grow year.”

I think it’s a great idea to consider taking a year to work part-time and have mini-adventures (if your folks are willing to have you at home). Taking classes at a community college will help you to zero in on possible courses of study.