Returning to the old nest

Dear Amy: After reading so many parents’ questions about adult children returning to the nest, I thought I’d weigh in, as a “frequent f lier.”

I agree with the advice you give parents but wanted to add another voice.

My parents have been very generous over the years, helping me to save money or letting me stay with them between major moves. Recently, I was home during the pandemic and it truly made things much better for me. But it is hard to be an adult at home.

As soon as my head hits the pillow in my childhood bedroom, it’s like I’m 16 again. It’s hard to treat my parents like roommates and to see myself as an adult.

Talking with my friends who’ve also lived at home, we frequently laugh about the immature arguments we get into with our parents and say, “We don’t have these problems with roommates.”

Sometimes, it’s hard to shake off old habits. This includes parents who keep treating us like teenagers.

Last Saturday, after I had worked a late shift, my dad banged on my door and said I was sleeping the day away!

Sometimes we feel shame around coming home, as if we’ve failed our grown-up life. Sometimes it’s hard for parents to accept new coping mechanisms we’ve developed in adulthood (yes, sometimes I do want an afternoon beer!).

It’s hard to act like an adult around your parents and it’s hard for parents to treat us like adults. Apologizing frequently (and humor) helps.

And if parents find themselves saying, “It’s my house and my rules,” they shouldn’t be surprised if a teenage tantrum follows.

I am grateful that my parents have let us all keep trying. A Frequent Flier

Dear Frequent Flier: It can be rewarding and frustrating — on both sides — when a “frequent flier” repeatedly comes home to roost. You have described the weird time-travel transformation that occurs when you sleep in your childhood bedroom (I remember it well from my own visits home).

However, your parents aren’t your roommates. With a roommate, you share the housing expense. You are peers, on equal footing. When you bounce back home to save money, you are a non-rent-paying beloved child who is accepting your parents’ generosity.

You sound like a loving, perceptive person. Your parents seem to have raised you well. But they are your parents and, teenage tantrums and all, it will be ever thus.

Dear Amy: A dear friend is turning 80 next year.

The invitations for his big 75th birthday celebration requested no gifts, saying, “Your presence will be your present.” But at the event, he showily opened gifts that had been brought anyway, thanking the gift givers — much to the embarrassment of those who respected the “no gifts” request.

What do we do if the situation repeats itself for his next party?

Should I mention to his wife how uncomfortable this display made us feel? Red-faced Friends

Dear Red-Faced: I agree that he should have opened his “no gifts” gifts (and expressed his gratitude) privately, but it’s his party.

You should respect his “no gifts” wishes this year, anticipate the possibility that he will give a repeat performance and just roll with it. Enjoy an extra piece of cake and nod politely.