Can’t stand ex’s husband
Dear Amy: My wife decided she didn’t want to be married to me anymore. She had become involved with a bad influence from her past. They are now married.
During the divorce proceedings, they conspired to destroy me. She sought to remove me from our house, to terminate all of my parental rights, and lied repeatedly under oath. She tried to get her hands on the kids’ education savings accounts, which she claimed were overfunded (though she was already offered millions of dollars from the estate).
Our kids are adults now and will soon be having weddings, with grandchildren hopefully to follow.
I have never said a bad word to them about their mother and hopefully never will. Here’s my issue: I don’t want her husband at smaller family gatherings like a baptism, grandchildren’s birthday parties, etc.
I will never shake the man’s hand or be cordial to him. I can’t imagine having to hold a conversation with this creep. Yet, I don’t want to sit home alone just because he’s there. I also don’t want other guests to feel awkward.
I realize that to give the kids an ultimatum (“him or me”) is not fair.
I would appreciate your wise thoughts on this one. Reluctant Ex
Dear Reluctant: Understand that if you state, “It’s him or me,” you lose, no matter what your kids decide, because you will have surrendered your power and pride to someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I often suggest “cordiality” in this space because I believe this is a concept Americans don’t easily grasp. Speaking very broadly, we are visceral and revealing people. (This is our charm, and our challenge.)
Being cordial implies that you give nothing away. You hold it in. You leave people wondering. It is the essence of maintaining the “upper hand,” but it also allows you the internal satisfaction of behaving to a polite standard.
It sounds as if your wife did not “win” her attempts to lie and bully you through the court system. Though you know what she is capable of, you have held it together for the sake of your children. You’ve been cordial. That’s what good parents do!
At smaller events, you would do well to attend with a friend or relative who can serve as a sympathetic buffer and distraction.
Dear Amy: I’m a widow. My husband died about a year ago.
My son is 37. He refuses to talk to me because of something minor. His siblings fear his behavior, so they cannot persuade him to change.
When he doesn’t like your attitude, he puts you in quarantine. He has no relationship with his two older brothers.
His wife doesn’t like to get involved because she also fears being cut off.
How can I cope with this? Ruminating Widow
Dear Widow: You have experienced a huge loss.
Given how your son handles all of his relationships, it is unlikely that he will spontaneously change.
You can protect yourself by reacting honestly, proportionately and calmly: “I believe you are hurting, and that’s why you push other people away. You’re an adult. I hope you can find a more productive way of handling disputes with people. I find your treatment of me degrading, and I’m not here for it. I will always welcome you into my life, but I also expect you to be nice to me.”