Stuck in suffocation mode

Dear Amy: I am approaching 70. My wife (71) and I have seen our marriage decline into a relationship more like roommates than spouses.

We met while working together in the media. She was laid off (for business reasons) and took it personally.

My wife never wants to talk about work, because she’s still resentful about how she was pushed out.

In fact, we talk very little about anything. We have had zero intimacy for four years, and while she sleeps in the bed, I stay on the couch all night because she refuses to stop watching videos on her phone as I try to sleep.

I handle the finances since she refuses to even talk about money.

She’s not working, nor does she want to anymore, but she spends without consideration for our bank balance (enough to put the account into the red too often).

When I asked her, “What about this (marriage) makes you want to continue it?” she said, “We’ve put in 20-some years” (it’s 35).

She’s only looking backward. I focus on forward. Because my wife has only a meager Social Security income, it would put her in a huge financial bind if I left.

I’m not cruel enough to do that. She vowed to never move in with any of our three adult children if I weren’t around.

Bottom line: I believe she sees marriage with me only as an alternative to being alone and completely broke.

Mortified in Michigan

Dear Mortified: If you two split, your wife likely would not be left with only her meager Social Security income. Michigan is an “equitable distribution” state, meaning the courts would look at your marital assets (all the assets acquired during your 35-year marriage) and decide how to distribute them.

You seem sincere in wanting your marriage to change, and your question (“What about this marriage makes you want to continue it”) is great. It’s a shame her answer wasn’t more positive or illuminating.

I assume you are contemplating retiring soon. This is a huge life change that will destabilize your relationship even more. You portray your wife as stuck, but you sound stuck too. A couples counselor could help both of you to shake loose your thoughts and feelings in order to make a rational choice about your future.

You (and your wife) should read “The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to

Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships” by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire.

Dear Amy: My husband of 12 years (in his 50s), suddenly stopped using deodorant. He thinks (I believe) that showering and using soap is enough. It is NOT.

I have tried gentle nudges, etc., but am frustrated (we sleep in the same bed) and plain embarrassed to be close to him in public.

I purchased a clinical strength deodorant for him a year ago that is unopened.

Prior to the pandemic, he was a big hugger. Now, he mostly shares elbow bumps. This problem has been going on for over a year now.

Short of moving out, I do not know what to do.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Tell him, “Honey, you absolutely must use deodorant. I’m not sure why you stopped; I’ve tried to hint and nudge you, but now I’m telling you: Soap and water are NOT enough. When the pandemic is over, people will want you to hug them again, and I want to hug you now!”