He’s a victim of violence

Dear Amy: My closest friend from college is 65 years old. We talk on the phone regularly.

He related a serious incident to me yesterday about his wife ( of 35 years) physically attacking him.

She punched him in the head and split his lip with an ashtray. He fell to the f loor, and she continued punching and kicking him, bruising him in several places.

I tried to encourage him to leave but he won’t. He plans to stay in a loveless, now violent, relationship.

I don’t know what my next step should be. He got angry when I said I would call his son. However, what if I don’t do anything and this behavior escalates?

Concerned Friend

Dear Friend: The National Domestic Violence Hotline ( thehotline. org) says one in seven men in the U. S. age 18 and over has been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner. Male victims of IPV ( intimate partner violence) often are reluctant to involve the police because of a perceived bias toward female victims.

Your friend told you about his abuse, which is an important step. Keep talking and continue to be concerned and supportive. Instead of urging him to leave the marriage, ask if he would come visit you ( if possible).

Helpline. org has extremely helpful information and resources specifically for male IPV victims. Share this with your friend. You will have to decide if contacting his son would further isolate him. His injuries, however, are alarming, and I believe the son should be told.

Dear Amy: My father is 87 years old. My mother died when I was a teen. Dad met a great woman almost 20 years ago and moved a couple of states away with her.

My brother and sister have both lost contact with him, but Dad and I talk every week on the phone, and I visit once or twice a year.

He has been battling cancer for years, but now the cancer has spread, and he is no longer receiving treatment. He is weak and not able to talk on the phone for more than a minute or two.

My husband and I made plans to drive several hours to see him.

Initially this plan seemed fine, but a few days later I got an email from his lady friend. She said he didn’t want to see me. He knew it would be the last time, and he couldn’t handle saying goodbye.

He wanted me to remember him the way he was the last time I saw him.

She just doesn’t want to put him through the emotional upheaval.

Deep down I understand my father, and know I would probably feel the same way.

Everyone is telling me I will regret it if I don’t go. What should I do?

Sad and Confused

Dear Sad: People near the end of their lives sometimes withdraw from even close friends and family members.

I understand that it is painful to be on the receiving end of this sort of decision.

Shoot a video of yourself and send it to your father’s partner so she can show it to him. Tell him how much you love him, share some happy or funny memories, and express your gratitude to him.

You should travel to where your father lives ( do not ask to stay in their home). Tell his partner that you understand he doesn’t want to see you but that you want to be nearby.

In being present, mindful, respectful and helpful, you will f ind some of your own needs will be met, and you will have fewer regrets.