Forgive in- laws’ failings

Dear Amy: Several years ago, my mother- in- law, “Betsy,” was unfaithful. This tore their family apart. More than once, Betsy asked my husband to “break the bad news” to his dad, and to comfort him when he was devastated. I was furious with her.

My parents were abusive during my childhood. My inlaws had always been wonderful. I saw them as a “replacement” for my broken family. Betsy destroyed that.

After she decided to stop running around, her husband welcomed her back. He told me to act like nothing had ever happened, and that this was forgiveness. That directive destroyed any feelings I had left for them.

I have made peace with this, but the respect I used to have for them is gone.

I am polite; I go to family gatherings, but it feels like a chore. My husband tells me he understands ( he is disappointed too), but I know he would like me to be friendlier. I just can’t.

I would feel best not having to be around them at all, but we want our kids to see their grandparents.

What would you recommend?

Unforgiving?

Dear Unforgiving?: People can be stupid, unethical, dishonest and hurtful. In a long marriage, partners sometimes betray one another and demonstrate that they are f lawed.

You set great store on your in- laws to be the perfect parents you never had. Unfortunately, they turned out to be the imperfect parents that many of us have.

Among the mistakes they made were to involve their son as a go- between in their marriage. They also seem to be insisting that you erase your memory bank and carry on as if this family drama had never happened.

Ideally, because they involved you in the problem, they’d involve you in the solution, saying: “We are working out our problems within the marriage. We hope that you will hang in there with us while we do that.”

The way for you to recover is not to drink a cup of “instant forgiveness” but to explore your capacity for forgiveness. I think it is natural and normal to go through a period of skepticism as you do that, but your goal should be to arrive at a nuanced and mature understanding.

Dear Amy: After a Little League game, my wife and I took our daughter’s family of f ive to a new midscale restaurant for lunch.

With three preteens, we were understandably seated in a larger adjoining room.

After we ordered, three dads with f ive preteen boys were seated nearby. The dads sat at one table, and the “boys” at another. The boys became very animated, screaming and laughing.

We glanced at them several times, with no resulting effort by the parents to quiet their boys.

Our server apologized but did not try to quiet them. Near the end of our meal, the manager offered to move us but it was too late.

I left a generous tip, but the server and manager should have done more to make our dining enjoyable.

What was our best option?

Distressed Diner

Dear Distressed: Your server does not have the authority to shush a table.

Instead of using glances, why not say, dad to dad: “I know your boys are having a great time, but would you mind asking them to lower the volume? We’re having trouble hearing each other.” A thoughtful parent would ask them to pipe down.