Sharing chores shows love

Dear Amy: My husband is such a sweetheart. I love him for his kindness and tenderhearted nature. We never f ight, except in one area, which is household chores.

I know he hates nagging, so I refrain from asking him too often to do chores around the house.

However, I do need help and I feel resentful when he doesn’t proactively help. I don’t know how to encourage him to do it on his own.

Is there a better way to communicate? I know this isn’t the biggest problem out there but it sure is a strain on the marriage.

Anxious Wife

Dear Anxious: Your husband’s kindness notwithstanding, it is not really kind or tenderhearted to watch your partner be overburdened by the job of taking care of the household. And your fear of bothering him with your nagging means there is a disconnect. His need not to be bothered should not be more important than your need — and right — to express yourself.

You and your husband should have regular household meetings where you discuss the basics — schedules, grocery shopping list, expenses and social or family obligations.

At your first meeting, you should agree on a basic chore list. Does he hate to vacuum? Perhaps there is a regular chore you don’t enjoy that he can take on as his own, and you can vacuum. The idea is to form a contract of sorts, and then for each party to act like an adult and do their part. Often, doing something you don’t enjoy without acting like a martyr is a pretty profound statement of kindness and love. When he does something without prompting, notice it — and let him know that you feel loved.

Hiring a biweekly cleaner has been a game- changer in my house. If you can afford to outsource some of your housecleaning, it is worth it.

Dear Amy: I have been in a same- sex relationship for almost three years with “Paula.” I love everything about her.

Paula said I was smothering her, that I was boring, that I am lying to her ( but I have no reason to lie), and that I went through her things ( and I have no reason to go through her things).

Paula said she needed space. She thinks my daughter is disrespecting her ( when she’s not).

Is it me? Is there someone else? Is it a trust issue?

She gets angry if I don’t call her, but when I call and text all the time she says I’m smothering her. When I don’t call all the time, she says things like, “You must have someone else.”

She makes me cry and hurts my feelings, and she doesn’t seem to care.

What do you think is going on here?

Hurt

Dear Hurt: Let’s review what you love about Paula.

Is it the way she puts you down? The baseless accusations? Calling you boring and a liar? Criticizing your daughter?

If your narrative is accurate, I’d say Paula is an abusive girlfriend who is using your insecurity and the power deficit in your relationship to gaslight and control you.

This relationship is unhealthy. Paula is toxic. Staying in this relationship is emotionally damaging, and the longer you stay, the greater damage is done.

I’ll quote a favorite cliché: “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” I hope you will tap into your inner toughness — and get going.