Unhappy as ‘ comfort- bot’
Dear Amy: I have a perfectionist friend. I used to f ind her neurotic nature endearing, but now that we’re both parents, the qualities I found cute are wearing thin.
This started when we were pregnant at the same time. My pregnancy was a ( very happy!) accident. I wasn’t married to the baby’s father, was working and f inishing school, and lived in a comfy little apartment. She planned her pregnancy for the perfect time: a stable job, a marriage to a high- earning partner, a big beautiful house. Still, she panicked about the smallest things. I didn’t understand it, but I rolled with it.
I’m not sure I can do that anymore. It’s not even her frequent complaining that bothers me. She no longer seems to care about me as a person. I’ve become some kind of “comfort- bot” that she messages, gets a response from and ignores.
Discussing my own kids seems to whip her into a bigger frenzy. She diverts every conversation back to motherhood. Mostly, I respond with the same stock empathy phrases — “That sounds hard!” “Hope it gets better soon!” “Poor thing!” — and hope she doesn’t notice.
She’s important to me, but I can’t continue. I know that, as mothers, we’re supposed to support one another and that we should give each other permission to complain. ( Especially now!)
I don’t want to be the kind of woman who doesn’t do that, but I can’t support this woman in this way any longer. What should I do?
Tired Mommy Friend
Dear Tired: Oh yes, the “comfort- bot.” What a perfect description of how it feels to reliably deliver comfort, encouragement and empathy — in short, the key elements of being a supportive friend — and to never receive same in return.
If your friend was in a bad patch and reaching out for help, you should continue to provide a supportive ear. But motherhood seems to have intensified her already intense reaction to life. She reaches out, you respond, she ignores.
But guess what? You have needs, too. Motherhood may have intensified your awareness of them. If you believe it makes your friend feel better and is genuinely important for her to vent to you, respond with a “heart emoji” and leave it at that. Otherwise, I suggest a quiet backing away from a relationship that seems to have run its course.
Dear Amy: My spouse and I are fervent Democrats. The six family members we’ve invited to dinner ( outdoors) are Republicans.
My fear is that a relative will bring up politics ( probably as a jibe) to initiate a debate. This happened before.
How do I politely handle such a situation?
I could respond that our wish is, just for this once, to avoid politics during dinner, but it may come off as a putdown of sorts and serve to deflate everyone’s spirits.
Something with a bit of humor could defuse and def lect it, but I’m not very funny when I feel confronted, and offering one snarky comment to counter another could inf lame instead of defuse. Please help!
Worried
Dear Worried: One way to do that would be to say, at the outset: “Let’s see if we can get through this dinner without discussing politics, OK? First one to incite a riot has to do the dishes.” The problem is that almost every topic has political overtones now. It’s easier not to take the bait if you refuse to take “jibes” personally.