Medium isn’t the message

Dear Amy: Thank you for your good ( and sometimes quite entertaining) advice.

I wonder: How often does it work to just TELL people something? You frequently say, “You should say to your friend, ‘ thus and so.’ ”

While the advice might be good, and it’s necessary to be upfront and honest, I wonder how often saying “whatever” would actually resolve the problem. Or would it just start an argument?

My husband and I have a very happy marriage of 45 years’ duration. However, my dear husband has a short fuse. I often mentally dither for hours about how to couch a complaint or suggestion in such a way that it won’t offend or upset him, but it doesn’t work. He immediately goes on the defensive, and then on the offensive, and we are in an argument that I’d hoped to avoid.

I sometimes resort to emailing him, even though he’s sitting across the room from me. This way, I can “craft” my case or my request; then he can read it at leisure and respond after he’s had time to process it. We can present our “sides,” ask questions and work through issues without hot words. Different strokes for different folks, I guess!

Still a Fan

Dear Fan: You have adjusted your communication style in order to elicit comprehension and an effective response. Well done!

When I counsel people to “say” something, I am really encouraging them to express themselves, in whatever way works best.

I grew up in an extremely creative, expressive and entertaining family that nonetheless rarely communicated about “hard” feelings.

I thought that if I expressed difficult emotions, it meant I was a difficult person. I’ve learned that sometimes it’s OK to be difficult.

I have definitely chosen to communicate textually ( text, email, letter) when it is important to get the words exactly right. This can be the most effective way to communicate with a loved one.

When people choose to verbalize their feelings, it is helpful to choose the right moment and the right words ( sometimes even practicing in advance). That’s why I try to inspire people by providing a little script.

When you speak authentically, you must prepare for the other person to respond authentically — and more often than not, they go off script! This is why it is important to not only learn how to talk but also listen.

Dear Amy: Why is it so acceptable to drink alcohol as an activity? Alcohol impairs judgment, disinhibits, often gets paired with other drugs, ruins families, leads to serious health problems and causes traffic and other accidents as well as deaths.

Yet people go out drinking, celebrate with drinking, receive bad news by having a drink, boost their confidence with a drink, etc.

I don’t understand it any more than I understand why most people drive well over the speed limit.

Curious, in Silver Spring, MD

Dear Curious: It is not necessary to drink alcohol in order to socialize, cope with boredom or enhance the f lavor of a juicy steak. There is no question that alcohol consumption is responsible for incalculable damage.

When we choose to drink alcohol, we choose to imbibe a substance that will alter our perceptions. As an occasional wine drinker, I believe that can be a pleasurable and positive choice.

But, especially when it comes to alcohol, “In all things, moderation.”