She can’t fix his drinking

Dear Amy: I think my husband may have an alcohol problem, but I am not sure how to help him.

He is a great dad to our young toddlers and a devoted husband to me. But as soon as the kids go to bed, he starts drinking beer. He drinks all night and I often wake up alone, to f ind him sleeping in the basement.

He is never sick or angry. He doesn’t “black out.” He’s not abusive or harmful to me in any way, but this behavior feels unacceptable.

He says he is depressed and hates his job, but he feels it is his duty to take care of us, even though I work.

I want him to feel like he can leave his job and make changes if he is unhappy, but he seems unwilling to.

I have asked him repeatedly to talk to a counselor, but he won’t.

I am afraid that my girls will think this behavior is an acceptable coping mechanism as they get older.

I don’t want to leave him, but I’m not sure I can tolerate this much longer.

Lost, but Still In Love

Dear Lost: The first thing you should do is connect with an Al- anon group ( or other support group) in order to share your story, your burdens and your questions with people who have trod this challenging path.

He is sharing his feelings of depression with you. Unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant, which will make everything worse for him. Obviously, his drinking is having a huge impact on your home life, and I would guess that your toddlers are already gaining an awareness of their dad’s problem.

Your husband should initiate a job search. His depression likely makes him feel paralyzed; his inertia might also be a red herring, providing him with a “reason” to stay exactly where he is, in order to keep drinking.

It wouldn’t be wise for him to leave his job until he f inds another, because many hours at home could increase his drinking.

You must take care of yourself and your children. If this situation is intolerable, you should take whatever steps you can to temporarily separate from him. You must not martyr your family to his addiction but instead recognize your own powerlessness to force him to stop.

Dear Amy: I wanted to share my view on the “Independent” woman who was offended when her in- laws visited her vacation home, cleaned it and did repairs.

My sisters and I used to complain every time my mom did something for us.

One day my dad said four words that clicked and changed me forever: “Just say thank you.” WOW. That moment was magical for me.

Not needing to prove to others you are in control makes you more in control.

When my parents would come to visit, I learned to stop trying to control them, and enjoyed whatever they came to do. They loved it if I had projects for them.

Now they cannot travel, I have the memories of the projects and things they did.

I wish I could still call my parents to come over and enjoy their company as they enjoyed themselves doing little projects.

Thanks for pointing out that refusing help is not proof of adulthood. People who love to give need people willing to receive. It’s a beautiful dance.

Blessings

Dear Blessings: It is a kindness to let others show love through acts of service, as long as they don’t also show love by going through the underwear drawer.