Wedding plans get tricky

Dear Amy: My biological great- aunt and - uncle adopted me when I was 2 years old. I am now 20, and I’m planning my wedding. My adoptive parents are my world, and I couldn’t be more grateful to them.

I have a very close relationship with my mom and plan to include her in my wedding, as anyone would.

Because it was an open adoption and my adoptive parents are my great- aunt and - uncle, I do know my biological mom.

She and I have more of a friendly bond than a mother/ daughter bond. I want to include her in my wedding, but my adoptive mom gets jealous and hurt when it comes to including her.

How can I incorporate my bio mom but not hurt my adoptive mom’s feelings?

Should I give my biological mom a corsage to wear? I’m not sure what to do.

Unsure Bride

Dear Unsure: This is tricky, because all of your parents are also related to one another. There is no doubt a lot of challenging history there, before and after your birth and adoption.

In my opinion, you should invite your biological mother to the wedding, and give her a seat in the front row, with other family members. Yes, it would be nice for you to give her a corsage.

Weddings are highly charged events; feelings and insecurities are heightened. Communicate with your parents honestly and as soon as possible, letting them know your plans and giving them time to adjust.

Consider having both of your ( adoptive) parents walk you down the aisle. They deserve that honor.

Understand that your mom might feel threatened, jealous and upset, no matter what. Affirm her feelings, saying: “I know this is hard, but there is no question in my mind about who my ‘ real’ parents are — you two! I hope you can help me by being friendly to my biological mom during the events. I’m trying to do the right thing.”

Dear Amy: “Carrie” and I met at work a few years ago.

She’s well- known but for some reason has no “real” friends. As I got to know her better, I realized she is needy and selfish, the kind of person who has no trouble asking for things but who doesn’t reciprocate.

When we hung out, it was always where she wanted. I’d have to take pictures of her for her Instagram ( dozens at a time, in different locations!) and she would always keep me waiting.

I’ve been trying to ice her out, but she has not taken the hint, confronting me when I haven’t included her. I should have been more upfront, but I thought she would figure it out.

Her dad died during the COVID- 19 lockdown. I handled it the way I would for an acquaintance: a heartfelt call, a message to check up and a memorial gift.

Today, she exploded at me. She expected more.

I just don’t want to be there for her. Is there any way to come out of this without seeming like the a—?

Guilty, Angry and Frustrated

Dear Guilty: The basic math to friendship is this: You receive roughly the equivalent of what you invest. Carrie is getting from you what she has invested in you — the minimum.

Tell her, “I realize that I have been a real disappointment to you. I hope you have other people in your life who are there for you in the way you want them to be.”

It’s OK to seem like the a—, as long as you aren’t one.