Not laughing at ‘ loony’

Dear Amy: I have struggled with my mental health my entire life.

I’ve been in and out of psychiatric hospitals over the past few years.

I’ve always been private with my emotions, having been raised in a family that doesn’t talk about feelings. Therefore, my f irst hospital admission came as a surprise to my parents, though they did visit me often while I was there.

To this day, we still don’t talk about my struggles, nor have my parents asked me directly why I was there.

I was recently at a family gathering with my parents and an aunt. The conversation turned to my grandfather’s service in WWII. In what was framed as a funny anecdote, they talked about my grandfather’s time guarding the “loony bin.”

I was very taken aback by this phrase and the laughter that accompanied it. I was too surprised to react then.

Several weeks later, I’m still supremely hurt by this conversation.

I don’t know where to go from here. I haven’t had any contact with any of them since that day.

I’m No “Loony”

Dear No “Loony”: When people make a deeply insensitive remark — or a slur — the appropriate response is to react honestly to it, either in the moment or later, once you’ve caught your breath.

Retreating into an angry silence may be the norm in your family, but it is not useful. Changing this one thing about how you respond to things that hurt you might be good for you.

Their terminology and attitude toward people with mental illness is both unfortunate and obsolete. Your family were repeating slurs and stories from 70 years ago, using language that was then common.

If you are able, tell them something along these lines: “I had never heard those stories from Grandpa’s service in WWII. Honestly, though, calling a hospital a ‘ loony bin’ is a terrible thing to say. I was shocked when I heard people using that term. People who have mental illness are not ‘ loony’ and they don’t spend time in a ‘ bin,’ any more than people who have cancer do. I feel it is important to let you know that.”

Being more open about your own illness could be a game- changer. I hope you will talk to your therapist about ways to connect more deeply with your family. Your advocacy is a positive step in that direction.

Dear Amy: I’ve been going to a restaurant with some friends and really like one of the waiters.

He seems to be interested in me, but that could just be good salesmanship.

His body language indicates that he is interested.

I’m a gay man and don’t want to make the situation awkward, should he be straight or not interested.

How do I approach this, or do I have to let it die?

Hungry

Dear Hungry: I’ve visited several online forums for servers, and most waitstaff say, no matter what, do not ask them out during a shift. This puts them in an awkward position with you and other customers.

Understand that for a server, your handsome face might be one more in a blur of faces he sees each day. If he is good at his job, each table he serves will notice he’s attentive and interested.

The most benign ( and, I think, sophisticated) way to handle this would be to simply leave your business card with the check. ( I know what you’re thinking: Time to order business cards!)